Hi. I'm Linus Torvalds, creator of the Open Source operating system Linux. I'm glad CmdrTaco and company have created a forum for Open Source news and views, and I am so thankful for being able to post in the Slashdot forums. But now I must get something off my chest.
As you all know, I am a fairly clean cut, well-kept person (I know, I have a beer gut only ESR could dare to challenge, but you'll have that if you spend 18 hours a day coding and eating Cheezie Doodlez), and in the GNU community that is an anomaly: virtually all users of GNU software and the GPL, under which my Linux kernel falls under, are unkempt, long-haired, beast-bearded dirty GNU hippies, and I am sick and tired of having to deal with them.
The person I have the greatest problem with is the (in)famous communist, RMS. Now, RMS may have been responsible for GNU, the GPL, GCC, and many other contributions to the computing community, but his stance, as well as stench, displayed in his essays and actions, nauseates me. I mean, with that filth-ridden beard of his, where does he have room to demand Linux distros demarcate the OS as GNU/Linux? When he is as clean-shaven as I, he may have the right. Until then, as he sits and plays his little flutes and drops acid like there is no tomorrow, he can shut his mouth and go back to reading Marx. I am sorry to sound so harsh, but a little hygiene every once in a while is a Good Thing™. Makes me wish I'd went with the BSD license back in the day.
Next in line of dirty scuzballs I have to deal with, and probably the worst thorn in my side, is Alan Cox, the primary coder of my kernel's TCP/IP stack (ha, what a joke!) and all around dirty GNU hippie. The man's wife, who I spent a few years with at the University of Helsinki, often calls me crying in the middle of the night to complain of the rank, unbearable stench the man exudes after sex. On several occasions I have personally had to withstand his torrent of rotten odor at trade shows, exhibitions, and beer bashes that permeates every inch of his toxic person. Along with the typical GNU hygiene (mis)habits he practices, he also bitches and whines about… well, everything. He lies a lot too; evidence for this can be seen in the fact he almost always wears cheap black sunglasses when talking to people he knows are better than him (such as myself).
And then we come to ESR. I won't reiterate the sewerdweller-like cleansing habits he practices as well, but I would like to focus on his general lifestyle. Firstly, he's never been to school. As a German expatriate, education should have been his priority; however, becoming a Gas Baron was his ambition in life until he realized he would fail at it. I wish he'd make that realization with the other things he tries to do.
Secondly, the man is a sub-intelligent hillbilly. You know, the kind that goes to inner-city computer stores and buys 386s to set up as servers all over his house, with cigarette smoke-stained 14" monitors piled high upon his kitchen table. He has no cough and can't integrate himself into any social situation involving white collar executives without rambling into a tirade on gun rights or tanning roadkill.
Couple the above facts with his ruddy complexion (from drinking Jägermeister like it's water) and his gnat-ridden handlebar mustache and you've got the makings of one more person who pisses me off.
Well, that's it for now. Hopefully with these feelings off my chest and into the Open Source community, things will change for the better. I'd like just once to talk to a Linux user or advocate who washes and changes their clothes at least weekly. Until then, thanks to CmdrTaco, Slashdot, and you, the reader, for the opportunity to bring things to the table and share for the betterment of our community.