Feb 26, 2002

Requiem for an Open Source Mullet

Today I arrived at work and noticed nothing unusual — except the shifting and shuffling sounds comeing from the Open Source Mullet's cubicle. Minutes later, he swung around my corner of the cubicle farm flung up a peace sign to me.

"See y'around, man!"

I had no idea of the terrible truth.

It turns out that the Open Source Mullet had been quietly fired just moments before I had gotten to work. It was a lesson in choice of software: Open Source and proprietary software, licenses, and philosophy do not mix. It wasn't a shock, really, but after a year I had mostly stopped expecting it. Still, there are things the Open Source Mullet taught me; ways he touched my soul; knowledge he passed on to me I will always hold near to my heart.

  • Kansas City's "Butt Hill" is home to the "people who wear leather but don't ride bikes."
  • Sweating, swearing, flairing your nostrils, and drinking 12 cups of coffee a morning are not ways to be productive.
  • OpenBSD is a far more superior OS for firewalling than Linux.
  • Insisting on using Linux as a backup system for a Windows network will severely unimpress your boss.
  • Being owned by kiddiez using the "Hitler Root Kit" (I shit you not) makes you lose face amazingly quickly, even before you decide to wipe and reinstall the entire box.

So there will be no more flairing nostrils, swearing under anyone's breath, suggestions of Linux as a viable solution to [insert your problem here], hole-ridden t-shirts with "SCHWAG" written across their fronts, or pickup trucks in the parking lot decorated with Greatful Dead stickers, animal skulls, and dried mud.

This is a scathing reminder to never use Linux. Not that I needed it; I use Mac OS X happily every day and would never dream of switching teams — Linux can offer nothing to me that Mac OS X doesn't do better. But the real-world repurcussions of using "Free" Software and "Open Source" solutions were never more vivid and in-my-face than this morning.

Let it be a lesson to you all.

Feb 14, 2002

Wanna Cyber?

brynscamaro (23:11:13): you can tear me up
Trollaxor (23:11:33): great
brynscamaro (23:11:46): want to cyber
Trollaxor (23:11:54): r u gay?
brynscamaro (23:11:59): bi
Trollaxor (23:12:10): are you flaming?
brynscamaro (23:12:22): I'm a bottom
brynscamaro (23:12:31): luv to be fucked
Trollaxor (23:12:32): ooh good
brynscamaro (23:12:56): I'll swallow all of it
brynscamaro (23:13:07): how would you fuck me
Trollaxor (23:13:19): without lube and until you cried and bled.
brynscamaro (23:13:30): really
Trollaxor (23:13:49): u dont think i could make u bleed?
brynscamaro (23:14:31): I would put my legs over your shoulders so you could go deeper
Trollaxor (23:14:42): i may kill you that way
brynscamaro (23:14:57): I want it
brynscamaro (23:15:04): fuck me
brynscamaro (23:15:32): I'm useing a dildo right now
Trollaxor (23:15:38): uh ok... "ohh oooh i am so hard... your hole is so tight, you little twink"
brynscamaro (23:16:12): harder baby
Trollaxor (23:16:43): i just ruptured your colon
Trollaxor (23:16:44): booooooommmmm
brynscamaro (23:16:47): tear my ass up
brynscamaro (23:17:04): cum on...be serious
brynscamaro (23:17:11): u gay?
Trollaxor (23:17:21): you're bleeding profusely
Trollaxor (23:19:01): i think you are passing out so i slap you and fuck you harder
Trollaxor (23:19:13): "wake up bitch"
brynscamaro (23:19:21): I can swallow 12 inches
Trollaxor (23:19:24): "you useless fuckhole"
Trollaxor (23:19:57): ok i take my shit-encrusted dick out of your ass and hold it in front of you. "swallow, bitch"
brynscamaro (23:20:21): I'll suck you good
brynscamaro (23:20:38): I promise
Trollaxor (23:21:09): ok lick the shit off of my dick first
brynscamaro (23:21:19): my ass is clean
brynscamaro (23:21:31): sucking on your head
Trollaxor (23:21:33): not after i got through with it
Trollaxor (23:21:47): there'sd blood and turd all over my hard throbbing cock
brynscamaro (23:22:12): thats nasty dude
Trollaxor (23:22:32): you asked for it
Trollaxor (23:22:33): now SUCK IT BITCH
Trollaxor (23:22:39): you twink, i want you to make me cum
Trollaxor (23:22:44): all 10"
Trollaxor (23:22:49): cumming all over your face
brynscamaro (23:22:55): sucking baby
brynscamaro (23:23:19): you taste so good
Trollaxor (23:23:34): does that blood and feces taste good too?
Trollaxor (23:23:43): TELL ME IT TASTES GOOD TWINK
brynscamaro (23:23:52): yes
Trollaxor (23:24:02): ok i slap you a few times. SUCK HARDER
brynscamaro (23:24:20): mmmmmm
Trollaxor (23:24:35): i want you to masturbate yourself as you do this
brynscamaro (23:24:45): i am
brynscamaro (23:24:47): u
Trollaxor (23:24:57): finger your asshole
brynscamaro (23:25:03): mmm
brynscamaro (23:25:09): wish it was u
brynscamaro (23:25:35): will you kiss me
Trollaxor (23:25:38): ok i take my dick out of your mouth
brynscamaro (23:25:41): suck on my toung
Trollaxor (23:25:43): i kiss you
Trollaxor (23:25:48): now lay down on the bed flat
brynscamaro (23:26:00): yes
Trollaxor (23:26:01): you know what's coming next?
brynscamaro (23:26:13): time to ride
Trollaxor (23:26:25): no lay on your back, boi
brynscamaro (23:26:30): ok
brynscamaro (23:26:58): lieing
brynscamaro (23:27:05): ready
Trollaxor (23:27:23): now i squat over your head, my asshole poised above your lips... i let out a thunderous fart and hear you sucking in the scent through your nose. then i let loose with a wet ripping noise… a 18" turd slides out, 4" wide, and firm, and you begin wolfing it down as fast as you can.
brynscamaro (23:27:25): fuck me
brynscamaro (23:28:55): thats fucking nasty... I would kill you if you did that you dickless bitch!

"brynscamaro" signed off at 23:29:31.

Feb 2, 2002

Clarus: The Apple Dogcow

It's a well known fact that Apple, since its inception, has been a haven for free thinkers and progressive thought, heralded by none other than famous acid-tripping Steve Jobs and his hippie buddies from California. It was on one of the famous beach parties, notorious for getting out of hand, that Clarus was born.

It was a balmy night in August 1984 that Jobs held yet another beach party, this one with a special theme: who could come up with a mascot for the Mac development team? Of course, the Apple II team was there and tensions, as always, were high. That didn't deter the Mac team from bringing their pet, Clara, a cow they'd been raising on the Apple campus since birth.

Clara was birthed by the Mac team when they'd held a party on the Apple campus and had hired a bull-breeder as entertainment. All night long, the bull-breeder studded Hercules, his prize bull, with an assortment of cows. As the festivities continued throughout the night, a strange moaning was coming from one of the trailers.

One of the cows he'd brought with him was, unbeknownst to the bull-breeder, pregnant! The Mac development team, being the resourceful hackers they were, helped give birth to the calf, the mother losing its life in the process. The bull-breeder was so taken by the Mac dev team's efforts he let them keep the calf, which they named Clara.

Now, at the August 1984 beach party, the Mac team lobbied for Jobs to adopt Clara as the development mascot of the Macintosh. The Apple II team, spurned and bitter because of dwindling sales and neglect at the hand of Jobs, had brought their own mascot — Cletus, a vicious Rotweiler they'd bought from a ruddy-faced street man in the ghetto of Cupertino for $25.

Cletus was a frothing, flea-and-mange ridden terror that barked at the least provocation. The Apple II team fed it raw goat meat and corrupted 5.25" floppies to make it mean. They also kicked it and made sure its chain was too tight at all times. Here at the party was their chance for revenge at Jobs and his favorite Mac development team.

As the night wore on, both the Apple II and Mac teams got drunker and drunker before Jobs called for a company vote on the mascot. What met the company's faces was something none of them could have imagined, however.

In their drunken, stoned stupor, the embittered Apple II team had snuck into Clara's trailer and cut the rear end of off Clara. Drugging her with ether to staunch her cries, they had used an electric chainsaw, cut her back legs and rectum cleanly off, and taken them to the bonfire to cook and eat. They'd even fed some to the drunk Mac dev team.

After they'd done this, they forced Cletus into the gaping hole in Clara's rear end. Gnawing away at his first real meal in months, Cletus lodged himself in Clara's colon and couldn't break free. So when the Mac dev team opened Clara's trailer and led their pet down the ramp, they were met with a bloody, gut-strewn mess and a weird, unnatural animal call of moof!

The entire company was sickened by this and soon the sand was dotted with puddles of vomit. Cries of moof, moof! filled the air as the joined dogcow trundled terribly along the beach, seizuring with each step, vomiting an icky mass of hair and blood, with a glazed look in its cow eyes. With a final shudder, the dogcow fell and died, and the partygoers surrounded the putrid mess of bovine/canine flesh.

Of course, it didn't take long for the Mac dev team to discover the Apple II team's treachery and a bloody brawl ensued over the death of Clara. By the end of the night, the cow, the dog, and the Apple II team were simple piles of broken, bloody bones.

In light of the events that night, Jobs had no other choice to commemorate the tragic events that had unfurled and therefore made Apple's development mascot the dogcow, Clarus, a merging of the two animals' names, Clara and Cletus.

And that, for those who didn't know, is the origin of Clarus the dogcow. Every time you click on a Mac OS Easter-egg that utters moof, you can look back to the terrible events that August, 1984 night at the Apple beach party that brought you the Clarus, the Apple dogcow.