Eric S. Raymond's Intimidatingly Huge Turd List

In order not to lose track of things, I just put together a list of my past turds related to gut transition, butt cleanup, and TP.

Eric S. Raymond Unsubscribes from LKML

Date: Thu, 21 Feb 2013 06:01:04 -0500
Subject: Re: [GIT PULL] Load keys from signed PE binaries
From: <esr@thyrsus.com>
To: <majordomo@vger.kernel.org>, <linus@linux-foundation.org>
Cc: <linux-kernel@vger.kernel.org>

Well then...

unsubscribe linux-kernel

On Thu, Feb 21, 2013 at 8:58 AM, Linus Torvalds <linus@linux-foundation.org> wrote:

> Guys, this is not a dick-sucking contest.

Time to Update the Ol’ LARP Résumé

Eric poured the first of his new bottle of Jägermeister into a glass tumbler, making sure not to spill any drops of the precious thick brown liqueur.

He was warm all over from drinking the last bottle and sweat formed like dew over the numerous crap lines in his forehead. He threw back the shot, slammed his glass down, and brushed a swatch of greasy orange hair out of his eyes.

"Time to get back to work," he said to no one in particular.

He Is as Dumb as He Looks!

Rob Malda: eric just mailed me about an emergency meeting tomorrow morning at 8
Rob Malda: i won't even be up till noon
Jonathan Pater: he's in for a surprise when he picks up the conference line and he's the only one there
Rob Malda: pffft. he is as dumb as he looks lol
Jonathan Pater: lol

Some Interesting Anagrams

Eric S. Raymond:

• arm in cosy red
• cord in my arse
• cyanide or RMS
• I carry demons
• mein scary rod
• racism yonder
• rods in my care
• scary rod in me
• secondary rim
• seminary cord

Surprised by Free Software

Eric had been driving through Pennsylvania since dusk and had crossed into Ohio about two hours ago. It was 2 AM and pitch black outside as he approached Columbus. He flicked the ash from his Marlboro Light out his cracked window and mopped a greasy swatch of orange-brown hair back across his forehead. He hadn't stopped to eat, drink, or relieve himself since he'd left Malvern and the strain of the road was getting to him. With a gulp of cold coffee and one last puff from his cigarette he rolled his window up and refocused.

His eyes glanced over the console on their way back up to his dirty windshield, and to Eric's chagrin the gas needle was hovering just above E, shimmying ever so slightly as his Omni wiggled and jammed down the highway. He began scanning the horizon for travel plazas where he could buy gas and freshen up for the next third of his journey. It wasn't long before he saw Exit 122 and soon after a sign for a Flying J Travel Plaza. Eric exited I-70 quickly, anxious for a break.

Eric S. Raymond's Match.com Reply

Today was shaping up to be a great day for Eric S. Raymond, Open Source figurehead and accidental anthropologist extraordinaire. He had finally received, after two years, a reply to his Match.com love-letter.

Using Open Source tools such as Perl and Jägermeister, Eric had wired his entire house to his 386 running Linux. His shack had just lit up like a Christmas tree before his eyes the instant the reply hit his inbox.

Straining to read the dusty 13" monitor, ESR pulled out a soiled handkerchief and spat it in, eagerly wiping away the years of filth and grime. When the screen was cleared, he sat anxiously at his kitchen table waiting for his lovely's email to come up.

Eric S. Raymond's Match.com Love-Letter

I do the club scene a lot, some say I am a good dancer. I enjoy having a few drinks, usually ale or mead, and I have been known to cause a scene now and then…

Eric paused, breathing heavily. He'd never done this before and he wanted to make sure all of his best qualities were included in this email.

Death on Route 69

Jesus fucking Christ. I nearly died today on the highway. Kansas City drivers are terrible anyway so I am always aloof when I drive. But today was something a little more than careless drivers. Someone was out to kill me.

Surprised by Cock

A few hours ago, I learned that I am now (at least in theory) absurdly gay.

I was at my machine, my 386 with 4 megs of RAM running Linux, masturbating to pictures of RMS, when I got an email congratulating me on the success of VA Linux Systems IPO. I was working on my latest small project -- a clever little text parser that takes input from the user and puts it in a little cartoon-style word balloon coming out of a giant, erect ASCII penis's bulging head! Hahaha! It's called COCKSAY.

Eric S. Raymond: Arrogant Gas Baron

The following exposé, written under extreme duress, is the result of an information leak out of ESR's SourceForge fortress that is the center of his refinery compounds and gas chambers within his insidious Gas Barony.

The information did not come cheaply, however, and that is why I believe that this story must be published. A troll, in the guise of a hired Hessian mercenary, infiltrated ESR's SourceForge compound with the fullest of confidence among the dread Slashdot Moderators and the loathed GNU Patrol. It is in this expose that I detail the significant information the document that the covert troll gave his life to bring me contained.

Troll Wars

It was three in the morning. The moonless night engulfed three individuals in complete darkness. Three individuals who moved, with surprising grace, toward a single destination. Three individuals on a campaign; a mission. A campaign to rid Slashdot of lame trolls. A mission to ultimately destroy Slashdot forever.

A low candle flame, flickering slightly in the crisp Autumn night breeze, lit the storm sewer corridors and access tubes with a deep yellow pallor. Faint whisperings, little more than leaves brushing against ancient cement walls to the rest of the world, could be heard.

“Where is Alan? I thought I saw him approaching a moment ago,” Trollaxor hissed. Standing a full six foot, with slicked-back black hair and a few day's worth of stubble, Trollaxor looked every bit the revolutionary in his black leather biking jacket. His green eyes pierced the dimly lit darkness, awaiting a response.

New Directions For Kernel Development

Hi. I'm Linus Torvalds, creator of the Open Source operating system Linux. I'm glad CmdrTaco and company have created a forum for Open Source news and views, and I am so thankful for being able to post in the Slashdot forums. But now I must get something off my chest.