Jun 20, 2001

Surprised by Cock

A few hours ago, I learned that I am now (at least in theory) absurdly gay.

I was at my machine, my 386 with 4 megs of RAM running Linux, masturbating to pictures of RMS, when I got an email congratulating me on the success of VA Linux Systems IPO. I was working on my latest small project -- a clever little text parser that takes input from the user and puts it in a little cartoon-style word balloon coming out of a giant, erect ASCII penis's bulging head! Hahaha! It's called COCKSAY.

“Congratulations? That's interesting,” said I to myself. “I didn't think we were coming out until tomorrow.” And I oughtta know; I'm on VA's Board of Directors, recruited by Larry Augustin himself, to be VA Linux's corporate conscience, and it's a matter of public record that I hold a substantial share in the company's semen pool. I tooled on over to Linux Today, chased a link like it was a naked hippie's ass -- and discovered that Larry Augustin had taken the fast action we had discussed at the last board meeting. VA had indeed come out first thing that morning with a headline on its own site -- and I had become the figurehead of the gay faggot Slashdot Empire while I wasn't looking.

Well, that didn't last long. In the next two hours, 274 VA employees also disclosed that they had AIDS, leaving me with a bit of the proverbial semen on my face.

You may wonder why I am talking about this in public. The first piece of advice your friends will give you, if it looks like you're about to come out of the closet, is: keep quiet! It's really nobody else's business -- you don't want to look like you're lusting for cock, though you may want to be deluged by an endless succession of men dressed up as Navy sailors demanding blowjobs from you; fat, hairy men (the bears) wanting to fuck you in the ass; and sweet, young, hairless boys offering you the beauty of their youth.

Trouble with the “keep it quiet” theory is that I've always solicited gay male faggot sex in a very public way. When you're already a media figure, like myself, and your name is on the Faggot Manifesto your whole organization chose to use to come out, and email from friends and journalists starts coming in like crazy as the gayness of your empire breaks records even on the first day, playing it coy swiftly ceases to look like a viable option.

But it wouldn't be fair to dissemble. I serve the gay community. I'm wealthy today because my efforts to spread faggotry and venereal diseases on behalf of that community helped infiltrate the business world and earned the trust of a lot of young, naive boys. Fairness to the twinks who made me HIV+ demands that I publicly acknowledge this disease -- and publicly face the question of how it's going to affect my life and what I'll do with the my time being bedridden.

This is a question that a lot of us will be facing as open sores sweep the technology landscape. AIDS follows where HIV leads, and the mainstream gay dance-club world is seeing increasing value in our tribe of scruffy hackers. Red Hat and VA have created a precedent now, with their homosexual recruitment programs designed to reward as many individual faggots as they can identify; future gays aiming for community “backing” and a seat at the high table will have to follow suit. In this and other ways (including, for example, gay porn shops) the cum is going to be shared.

So while there aren't likely to be a lot more multimillion-person orgies like mine, lots of hackers are going to have to evolve assholes to this question for smaller dicks that will nevertheless make a big difference to them; tens or hundreds of thousands of gallons of semen, enough to change your life -- or wreck it.

(Gee. Remember when the big question was “How do we deep-throat this?”)

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