Feb 26, 2002

Requiem for an Open Source Mullet

Today I arrived at work and noticed nothing unusual — except the shifting and shuffling sounds comeing from the Open Source Mullet's cubicle. Minutes later, he swung around my corner of the cubicle farm flung up a peace sign to me.

"See y'around, man!"

I had no idea of the terrible truth.

It turns out that the Open Source Mullet had been quietly fired just moments before I had gotten to work. It was a lesson in choice of software: Open Source and proprietary software, licenses, and philosophy do not mix. It wasn't a shock, really, but after a year I had mostly stopped expecting it. Still, there are things the Open Source Mullet taught me; ways he touched my soul; knowledge he passed on to me I will always hold near to my heart.

  • Kansas City's "Butt Hill" is home to the "people who wear leather but don't ride bikes."
  • Sweating, swearing, flairing your nostrils, and drinking 12 cups of coffee a morning are not ways to be productive.
  • OpenBSD is a far more superior OS for firewalling than Linux.
  • Insisting on using Linux as a backup system for a Windows network will severely unimpress your boss.
  • Being owned by kiddiez using the "Hitler Root Kit" (I shit you not) makes you lose face amazingly quickly, even before you decide to wipe and reinstall the entire box.

So there will be no more flairing nostrils, swearing under anyone's breath, suggestions of Linux as a viable solution to [insert your problem here], hole-ridden t-shirts with "SCHWAG" written across their fronts, or pickup trucks in the parking lot decorated with Greatful Dead stickers, animal skulls, and dried mud.

This is a scathing reminder to never use Linux. Not that I needed it; I use Mac OS X happily every day and would never dream of switching teams — Linux can offer nothing to me that Mac OS X doesn't do better. But the real-world repurcussions of using "Free" Software and "Open Source" solutions were never more vivid and in-my-face than this morning.

Let it be a lesson to you all.

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