Nov 4, 2000

The RMS Interview

Trollaxor: Hey, RMS, what the fuck is up? I'm glad I got the opportunity to perform this interview with you. [coughs]

RMS: Hello, Mr. Trollaxor. I'm glad I got the opportunity to speak to another individual interested in Free Software that will reach millions with the message I wish to express in this interview.

Trollaxor: Yeah, whatever. Let's get this over with.

Trollaxor: Firstly, let's talk about the origins of GNU. We all know it's Not UNIX. But where, exactly, did it come from? What was your prime inspiration for such a fine, grand, practical idea?

RMS: I'm glad you asked that.

Trollaxor: I'm not.

RMS: Ah [laughs]. You have a unique sense of humor, comrade Trollaxor!

Trollaxor: I know. And don't call me comrade. Or your friend, ally, brother, homey… I don't even like you. Now answer the question.

RMS: Ah, [laughs] Yes. GNU. Well, after reading the works of Marx and Lenin, and having attended MIT and created several programs (GCC among them, of course) to which the source code was freely (as in speech, and beer) available, I began to see a certain communal effort begin to take shape among the software developers in the labs where I worked. However, the administration at MIT improperly thought that, since my works were created at MIT, they, and their source, belonged to MIT. This was in conflict with my embryonic philosophy–

Trollaxor: Hey, could you just cut your ideological bullshit and get to the part where you were taking a dump and farted out the GNU/Free Software concept as we know it today?

RMS: Ah, I don't think I know what you're referring to, Mr. Trollaxor. And I certainly don't remember any toilet episodes being involved with the creation of GNU or Free Software.

Trollaxor: Oh really? It's hard for me to imagine a toilet not having been involved in the creation of Free Software. No, I'm talking about how one day you were sitting in a stall at MIT's grand restroom facilities, peeped thru the glory hole bored in the stall wall to look for customers, and saw a man's ass tattooed with a bull or yak or something?

RMS: What?!

Trollaxor: Okay, okay, okay. Let's move on. How about your musical talents? From graphics posted at your homepage, it looks like you're fairly proficient on the flute. How'd you obtain that talent?

RMS: That's rather simple: just a lot of practice and determination. The instruments you've seen me playing on my website are plan-pipes, actually, and not flutes. I began taking lessons from my father while him and I were still talking. I can play the flute, however, and–

Trollaxor: Skin-flute.

RMS: Excuse me?

Trollaxor: You heard me. Skin-flute. You play the skin-flute. That's why you're so good on those porn-pipes or whatever the Hell you called them. You are a skin-flute virtuoso and can play them like nobody's business. "Master skin-flutist RMS." Skin-flute.

RMS: Ah, I think this interview's getting a little off-track from its focus of Free Software and the GNU philosophy.

Trollaxor: Of course it is. And why the fuck do you begin every sentence with "ah?" Anyway, I'll indulge you. New question. What's all this I hear about you dropping acid like there's not tomorrow?

RMS: Hey, look, I'm willing to spend my time discussing and even debating about the GNU concept and Free Software. I'm a very busy man–

Trollaxor: No you're not.

RMS: I'm a very busy man and I simply cannot tolerate spending my valuable time digressing onto useless topics, much less helping you slander my good name–

Trollaxor: Shut up.

RMS: I believe we're talking at cross-purposes here and I wish to terminate this interview now.

Trollaxor: I believe your style is cross-dressing and I wish to inform you've been trolled. Do you know what a DGH is?

RMS: What? Excuse me? I said I wanted to stop this interview now!

Trollaxor: A "DGH" is a Dirty GNU Hippie. You're a DGH. You're a pinko Commie too. Learn to bath, shave, and wipe your ass properly, and we in the Ministry of Love will welcome you with open arms. Good day, Corporal Crapola of the GNU Commando!


  1. I, hereby, salut thee, nabs!

  2. I liked it so much I plagiarized it