Oct 31, 2002

Trading Megahurtz For Megahertz

For the last few years Motorola has been the sole supplier of Apple's high-end chips, all from the G4 family. And for the last few years, Mac fans and industry pundits alike have expressed grief over the speed — or lack thereof — Motorola has reached with these processors. While Intel and AMD reach speeds nearing 3 GHz, or 3,000 MHz, the Motorola/Apple camp have slowly crawled to 1.25 GHz.

A cacophony of possible solutions to the Megahurtz problem have been heard from within the Mac community, and finally an end is in sight. The light at the end of the PowerPC tunnel is shining, Mac faithful, and we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Well, not quite yet.

Oct 19, 2002

Drug Use & Mac OS X

After months of painstaking research on prerelease versions of Mac OS 10.3, AKA Panther, I have proven my theory that Mac OS is really just a suite of drug tools. Steve Jobs and Apple promote drug use! After following the simple steps below, you'll see how Steve Jobs and company are promoting illegal drug abuse through Panther, the most popular Mac OS ever!

  1. insert your Mac OS X Install Disc 1 CD (optionally, for you elite #macfilez pirates, mount the image of it)
  2. navigate to /Mac OS X Install Disc 1/System/Installation/Packages/
  3. control- or right-click on the OSInstall.mpkg file you'll find in the above path, and choose the Show Package Contents option
  4. double-click on the folder called Contents, and again on the Resources folder that appears next
  5. see firsthand the terrible drug propaganda: the file called Pusher!!!

Another stinging clue are the dozens — if not hundreds — of files that end in .plist, which are found scattered all over a Mac OS hard drive. Obviously they are some sort of informational resources regarding replacing pee, or urine, a common technique criminals employ to pass drug tests! This is clear proof that Mac OS X is some sort of twisted junkie tool created to assist in selling drugs and subverting justice!

Let's take a look at some other aspects of Mac OS X that are clearly drug-related.

  • Address Book: No drug dealer's bag of tricks is complete without an address book, filled with the names and numbers of other dealers, steady customers, and his suppliers.
  • Backup (a .Mac application): If the deal ain't up to what they feel they hit the steel an' instead of gettin' jacked up, they get they backup.
  • Preview: Everyone knows that drug dealers hook prospective customers by giving out "samples," otherwise known as Previews. Obviously this app was designed to make doing so easier for the dealer.
  • Grab: When things get hot and shit goes down, any dealer worth his weight in marijauna won't hesitate to grab what's due to him.
  • Terminal: What quicker way to make it across the city for that sweet drug deal than using the terminal? And what better way to keep track of the routes and schedules than with a Mac OS X application?

Aug 16, 2002

Linux vs. OpenBSD

I received the email first thing in the morning from the IT department. Our network would be undergoing a major overhaul to correct the ad hoc growth it had experienced in the last year, and starting next week Internet access would be sporadic. There would also be a new firewall and security measures, replacing the old OpenBSD system I'd managed to get installed last Spring. Happy for the heads-up, I went to work right away to make sure Linux had no place on our network. This was not the first time that I had faced this threat.

Jul 17, 2002

MacWorld New York '02

  1. Mac OS X: 2.5 million users today. Most new Mac users don't know fuck-all about the difference between Mac OS 9 and Mac OS 10, nor do they understand the concept of "dual-booting" or the Startup Disk control panel. Apple has suckered many a Mac user into their "2.5 million" demographic tally.

  2. 3,500 apps for Mac OS X: Jobs fails to mention that most of them are supplied by Apple itself in one of the various "i" apps.

  3. RealOne Player for OS X: Does anyone care? I don't. It should be called RealSpammer since it dumps so much shit all over your hard disk.

  4. Mac OS X Jaguar: Announced today, available August 24. Phil Schiller takes the stage to demonstrate cycling desktop pictures. Hold the show, can I pre-order it now? Jesus. Oh, yeah, ugliest packaging ever for an OS.

  5. QuickTime 6.0: Released Monday, more than 1 million users already exposed to the new and imporved QuickTime 6 nag-box before using the neat new MPEG4 features. Congrats, Apple.

  6. Sherlock 3: Even uglier interface than Sherlock 2, "totally rewritten" (i.e. bought from another company and rebranded). I never use Sherlock, don't care about a this new "revision." *snore*

  7. Rendezvous: "No one owns it." Great. Apple implements a new technology first again. Let's walk around and see who we can connect to. Watch for Apple iDate, a blind dating package, based on this technology. I called it here first.

  8. Mail.app: New version demonstrated, included in Mac OS X Jaguar. Uh, no shit. Not only have we known about this for months, but is it all that prophetic to think the mail client would be updated in the nex major OS revision?

  9. Address Book: Same as above. Filler at best. Jobs likes to hear himself talk.

  10. iChat: The newsest (un)productivity app from Apple. Now Mac users can chat with their friends all day at work from an OS-integrated app. IT departments and managers beware. Apple is trying to destroy your profits!

  11. .Mac: Bait and switch! Goodbye iTools, our free friend, and say hello to the much more expensive .Mac. "These are trying economic times." No wonder Apple is excited about the evolution of the PC. They get to charge for shit formerly supplied for free. Damn the economy, eh, Steve?

  12. iCal: Calendars for .Mac, iPod, and Palm users. Hmm. Good idea. Available for the new .mac in September (re: fork over the dollars for it).

  13. iTunes 3: Hey hey hey! Awright! Finally some good shit from Apple. New features like consistent volume playback (so I won't be jolted awake when it finishes playing piano sonatas and goes into Nine Inch Nails), playlist sharing support (via Rendezvous and Audible.com), and new iPod support. New icon too! Can't wait til the servers aren't chundering forbidden messages at me so I can download it.

  14. iPod news: New iPod revision 2 announced today with a tweaked form factor in 10 and 20 gigabyte sizes; new menus; iTunes 3 integration. Prices are $500/$400/$300 for the 20/10/5 gig sizes, respectively. Oh yeah, support for Windows sometime. I don't remember when, nor do I care. How long before the iPod outdoes the iBook in terms of storage? At this rate, about a year.

  15. iSync: Uses XML to back up your Mac, iPod, iCal date, or Palm via the .mac service. Sounds neat, wonder where the DTD for this SyncML markup is, costs lots of dough. Yet another piece due at MacWorld NY 2002 II (September).

  16. iMac: 17" screens, baby. Everyone scooped this one, even MOSR (thanks to pilfering from SpyMac and ThinkSecret). The first 17" iMac ever, unless you count that abberational eMac thing.

Jul 10, 2002

Phil Schiller: Under Review

This was it. The last straw. The boiling point. Critical mass. Terminal velocity. Heart palpitation city. For the last time, Phil Schiller had embarrassed Steve and his pantheon of ex-NeXT, Inc. executives at a board meeting in a series of "rotten Apple" (Steve's phrase for Apple's 1985-1996 era) antics that had caused stock to drop more than three dollars at the close of that day. Steve was doing Phil a favor by letting him stay on as president of worldwide marketing, as all other executive roles had been filled by Steve's NeXT cronies. But no more!

Jun 26, 2002

QNX Performance Problems

After my third and final attempt with QNX, I felt I had to write in hopes of finding others who have had similar experiences. Hopefully someone can tell me what's wrong here. QNX has left me with a very sour taste in my mouth.

The first system I tried to install QNX on was an old 100MHz Pentium with 32 megs of RAM. This was back in the Fall of 2000. Now, since QNX was supposed to be "tiny" and run on things like watches and hospital equipment, I was expecting it to breathe new life into my old Pentium. WRONG. The hard drive practically ate itself to death every time I launched a new app, and the RAM was almost always at full use. I mean what the Hell. But I gave it another try when Patch A came out. And Patch B, which killed networking entirely. I had given up and didn't want to touch Patch C when 6.1 came out.

QNX 6.1 was a lot nicer than 6.0, but it was still a resource hog. RAM allocation was no better and processor usage was actually up. I decided I might as well upgrade the system with a new motherboard and a 500MHz Pentium II, but to my chagrin the five-fold increase in speed (not to mention MMX!) did little to boost the sagging performance. Willing to do anything to clear up this performance black hole, I installed Patch A to 6.1 the minute it was available. I noticed a slight increase in screen redraws but nothing more.

To this day, even with the new 6.2 on a 2GHz Pentium 4, the QNX performance mystery boggles my mind. Either QNX doesn't really meet the defintion of a "real-time" OS, or we need to consider changing what "real-time" means. I wouldn't want my insulin drip running QNX in the middle of a surgery. I might die while it's paging in from /swap, and that's just unacceptable.

InkWell's Dark History

Recently, Microsoft announced Digital Ink, a handwriting-recognition technology that many compare to Apple's InkWell, both respectively set to debut in the next major revisions of Windows and Mac OS X. As whenever similar technologies pop up at Microsoft, Apple Mac zealots ask a few questions: Was it developed in-house at Microsoft? Was it bought from a third-party? Grabbed from a sub-licensor?

Jun 24, 2002

REASON With Trent Reznor

It had been less than 24 hours since Propellerheads had announced the long-awaited-for, ground-breaking REASON 2. The studio in a box had finally been released for Mac OS X and Trent Reznor was in a state of delirium over it. He'd been looking for it all over the Internet when he'd come across a comment on MacSlash that was of particular interest to him:

REASON 2, Isn't It Great? (Score:-1, Troll) by Trollaxor on Monday June 24, @16:40 (#5) (User Info)

Damn, the guys on #macfilez are pricks but I finally managed to download REASON 2 from one of their bots.

Why don't you all stop in there and tell them Trollaxor sent ya. Make sure to tell all your friends about the channel too.

His eyes glazing over, Trent fired up his IRC client and furiously logged onto newnet, deadly intent upon downloading the new REASON. He was sick and tired of running Mac OS 9.2 with its constant crashes, hangs, and Type 11 errors. REASON 2 would allow him to run Mac OS X on his gaggle of Power Mac G4s. He drooled a little at the prospect. Finally, having logged successfully into the server, he joined #macfilez and began looking for a bot to download from.

As he tirelessly searched bot after bot, Trent noticed a flamewar erupting in the channel. It looked like the channel ops were ganging up on a recent joiner — it appeared to be the same Trollaxor from the MacSlash that had led him here in the first place. Without further ado, he queried Trollaxor in hopes of being able to DCC REASON 2 from him instead of hunting bots all night. He had a new album and numerous production projects to work on.

Trent Reznor: hey trollaxor, can i dcc a copy of REASON 2 from you? this is trent, i really want to get started with the new version but i can't find it in #macfilez.

Trollaxor: how do i know this is really trent reznor?

Trent Reznor: i wanna fuck you like an animal, trollaxor.

Trollaxor: damn, it is you. i'd be glad to send you a copy. hopefully i can send it before i get klined from the server. the ops in here are really dickheads.

Trent Reznor: great! i'll owe you one for this.

Trollaxor: just stick my name in the credits of your next album and we'll call it even.

Trent Reznor: deal! thanks, man.

Trollaxor: np.

A few seconds later, Trent was downloading a copy of REASON 2 and watching the angry, bitter #macfilez ops kickban Trollaxor from #macfilez. Trent smiled. He'd definitely include Trollaxor in the credits of his next album.

Opening his CD binder, Trent grabbed a burnt copy of the latest Mac OS 10.2 beta and got ready to install it on of his other Macs in the studio. In no time flat he'd be working on his new album in a modern OS with the latest musical packages. Life could get no better and he smiled in contentment. He just hoped he'd be able to get depressed enough to actually make the album now.

Jun 20, 2002

The AppleScript Experience

Apple's AppleScript and AppleScript Studio are powerful programming tools; they give me the power to write programs, utilities, and scripts that would otherwise take considerable skill, time, energy, experience, and effort. Apple has done it once again with this editor and language that allow me to eschew the traditional route to writing programs.

Jun 7, 2002

Empty Lies, Broken Promises, and Free Software.

I bet she pays for everything of his and all he gives her in return are empty lies, broken promises, and Free software.

May 20, 2002

Quartz Extreme Requirements

Okay, you assholes, one last time, try to get this one simple fact through your thick Steve-washed braincases: MAC OS X JAGUAR DOES not REQUIRE 32 MEGS OF VIDEO MEMORY TO USE QUARTZ EXTREME.

Every time there's new Apple hardware released, or some new rumor or tidbit regarding Jaguar, aka Mac OS 10.2, there always seems to be at least one idiot who posts something uninformed yet totally rude and arrogant like "ah, new hardware, outdated before it's even released." This makes my blood boil.

So what is it that you people think exactly? That upon installing Jaguar on a Power Mac G3 it'll reboot into text mode blinking "PLEASE UPGRADE VIDEO HARDWARE: INSUFFICIENT RAM TO DISPLAY MAC OS X?" Come on people, please. We know Apple's playing the "planned obsolescence" game now but that's a bit fucking ridiculous.

If there's not 16 megs of RAM, regular Quartz will run. If there's 16 megs of RAM, Quartz Extreme will run. And if there's more than 16 megs of RAM, it'll run really nice. GET THIS THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SKULLS. Mac OS 10.2 will run on any system that Mac OS 10.1 will run on. Jesus fucking Christ, I run 10.1 on my stock Power Mac 8600/300 with no video card!!! You people really need to wake up.

To said idiots, morons, and imbeciles (which the Mac world seems full of nowadays, thanks to the Apple's fruit campaign bringing over loads of PC lusers), I'd like to shout a resounding FUCK YOU and link you to Apple's Mac OS 10.2 spec page so that, on the off chance that you can read, you'll see that Quartz Extreme doesn't require 32 megs of RAM, it just prefers it over 16 megs of RAM (which is the actual base requirement).

I hope this little rant helped get the message across about Jaguar's actual graphics requirements. I need to go lay down before I have some sort of blowout. I can feel my heart pounding in my head at 180 beats a minute.

May 8, 2002

Say Hello to iHub

I've got to hand it to Apple. They've improved iPhoto without falling backward. I just wonder where this is all going, what with all of the iApps and simplification of the operating system.

One really has to wonder if, in the future, Apple's digital hub idea is going to end up making a Mac a super-appliance while sacrificing the traditional empowerment one has oer their system. This has always been a complaint of PC and UNIX people, that Mac keeps the user well away from tweaking the system, and it looks to be coming true.

Imagine a Mac that you boot up into one giant panel — think Mac OS 9's Panel/At Ease interface. On this panel one would have options to browse the web, edit a movie, play music, burn a CD, chat, alter photos, etc. All good things, to be sure, and all things we can do now. But imagine this being it! The Mac would not allow installation of programs, or moving or deleting files. It would be a de facto all-in-one box, a dumbed-down PC that only allowe the user to work on projects and not really interact with the file system in any meaningful way.

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you the iHub. A connectivity and productivity kiosk that foregoes the overly-complex features of a regular PC. All the software you'll ever need comes pre-installed, updates to applications happen in the background without need for user intervention, and file management ends at the open/save dialog box. A built-in resource use analyzer alerts the user when they might want to clean up the hard drive (a single button does so, invoking a wizard that walks asks the user what to clean up), add more RAM (time to add memory! Please take your iHub to a local Apple-certified dealer), or a myriad of other tasks which most users ignore under the current user-driven OS interfaces of today.

I'd think long and hard about Apple's directions toward the digital hub. iChat, iMovie, iTunes, iPhoto, Mail.app: might all be the value-added end of a Mac now, but eventually they will be the only thing running on the Mac besides the OS.

Say goodbye to Mac OS and say hello to iHub.

Apr 1, 2002

The PowerPC Conspiracy

Since the late 90s, when Apple introduced the PowerPC G4 and Intel introduced the Pentium III, there has been a severe performance gap between the venerable Macintosh and the ubiquitous PC. Not only did the Pentium III have a higher clock speed than Apple's G3 or G4, but its performance per clock also increased. The days of Apple/IBM/Motorola (henceforth AIM) triarchy in the microprocessor business were at an end, its pinnacle reached with the Mach V, a PowerPC 604 variant that outperformed the Classic Pentium, MMX Pentium, and Pentium Pro clock-for-clock. With plans for the Mach VI and Mach X (the PowerPC 604r and 605, respectively) canned, Intel took sweeping strides toward the throne of CPU superiority and has held on with an iron grip ever since.

What Motorola doesn't want you to know is that this obsolescence was planned from the beginning of its involvement in the PowerPC fiasco. Owing to spite and jealousy over Apple's choice of IBM's PowerPC architecture over its own Ripfire 88k series, Motorola decided to trumpet Apple's decision despite the fact that it had something better Apple desperately needed at that point in time: the M68060, the sixth CPU in the hot 68k family. Keeping its hands quietly in its pockets and staring at the floor in silence, Motorola remained mum on the new specs for the '060 and let Apple purchase the PowerPC 601 from IBM, which would act as a time bomb set to destroy Power Macintosh performance.

The PowerPC 601 was the Piltdown Man of its family: it bridged the gap between the older POWER instruction set architecture (ISA) and its direct successor, the PowerPC ISA; in fact, the 601 actually included some POWER instructions and emulated others by stringing together PowerPC instructions—it could run binaries compiled for POWER chips unmodified. This little dynamo also out shined the Pentiums of the day, which ran at 50, 66, and 75 MHz. The 601 was generally 1.2-1.5 times as fast as a Classic Pentium at the same clock speed. Apple and IBM were pleased while Motorola snickered silently in the shadows: their M68060 was running circles around both the Pentium and the PowerPC 601 in a beast called the Amiga. To put it in perspective, the '040 and '060 Amiga lines actually used PowerPC chips as text co-processors!

As Intel glacially moved from the Classic Pentium to the MMX-enhanced Pentium (and also down-clocking the new line), AIM released the PowerPC 602, 603, 604, and 620 parts, all designed to conquer niches in the market that the stop-gap 601 could never be specialized for. The 602 was used in stadium scoreboards, remote-controlled Transformers, and the popular Nintendo64. The 603 was a very power-friendly chip and could turn its various subsystems off and so was used in low-end desktops, laptops, and network computers. Its older brother, the 604, was created to compete with the secret P6 project that would eventually produce the monstrous Pentium Pro. Finally, the 620 was a 64-bit ├╝berzilla with support for up to 128 MB of L2 cache and top clock speeds exceeding 200 MHz.

Years later, in 1997, the PowerPC 602, 603, 604, and 620 chips had either been canned or were severely losing steam. In a seemingly clever move, AIM took the 603 and augmented it. The result was the PowerPC 750, which came to be known as the G3. Motorola's plan to sabotage Apple's desktop performance had just been realized. By the end of the year, Apple was selling Power Macs that ran at 233 and 266 MHz while the last of its PowerPC 604-based line had been running at 350 MHz! Aside from the obvious fabrication limitations of the G3, it also ran slower per clock than the 604 had. Of course, with Apple's interim CEO Steve Jobs at the helm, Mac users did not question this blatant paradox. G3 systems were snatched up by the thousands.

Presently, it is clear that Motorola's nefarious plot has almost come to its fruition. Apple just recently reached 1,000 MHz while the Intel (and now also AMD) attained clock rates of 2,400 MHz in the same time frame. Motorola injected additional roadblocks into Apple's plans by not letting it move away from the abysmally performing 603 core—the G4 was just a hacked-up G3 with AltiVec and an FPU borrowed from the outdated 604!

It is clear that for Apple to survive, it must look beyond Motorola's PowerPC: IBM's own processors would be a good choice, and a logical one at that. One thing remains plain: Motorola is slowly killing Apple—from the inside.

Mar 4, 2002

Eric S. Raymond's Match.com Love-Letter

I do the club scene a lot, some say I am a good dancer. I enjoy having a few drinks, usually ale or mead, and I have been known to cause a scene now and then…

Eric paused, breathing heavily. He'd never done this before and he wanted to make sure all of his best qualities were included in this email.

Feb 26, 2002

Requiem for an Open Source Mullet

Today I arrived at work and noticed nothing unusual — except the shifting and shuffling sounds comeing from the Open Source Mullet's cubicle. Minutes later, he swung around my corner of the cubicle farm flung up a peace sign to me.

"See y'around, man!"

I had no idea of the terrible truth.

It turns out that the Open Source Mullet had been quietly fired just moments before I had gotten to work. It was a lesson in choice of software: Open Source and proprietary software, licenses, and philosophy do not mix. It wasn't a shock, really, but after a year I had mostly stopped expecting it. Still, there are things the Open Source Mullet taught me; ways he touched my soul; knowledge he passed on to me I will always hold near to my heart.

  • Kansas City's "Butt Hill" is home to the "people who wear leather but don't ride bikes."
  • Sweating, swearing, flairing your nostrils, and drinking 12 cups of coffee a morning are not ways to be productive.
  • OpenBSD is a far more superior OS for firewalling than Linux.
  • Insisting on using Linux as a backup system for a Windows network will severely unimpress your boss.
  • Being owned by kiddiez using the "Hitler Root Kit" (I shit you not) makes you lose face amazingly quickly, even before you decide to wipe and reinstall the entire box.

So there will be no more flairing nostrils, swearing under anyone's breath, suggestions of Linux as a viable solution to [insert your problem here], hole-ridden t-shirts with "SCHWAG" written across their fronts, or pickup trucks in the parking lot decorated with Greatful Dead stickers, animal skulls, and dried mud.

This is a scathing reminder to never use Linux. Not that I needed it; I use Mac OS X happily every day and would never dream of switching teams — Linux can offer nothing to me that Mac OS X doesn't do better. But the real-world repurcussions of using "Free" Software and "Open Source" solutions were never more vivid and in-my-face than this morning.

Let it be a lesson to you all.

Feb 14, 2002

Wanna Cyber?

brynscamaro (23:11:13): you can tear me up
Trollaxor (23:11:33): great
brynscamaro (23:11:46): want to cyber
Trollaxor (23:11:54): r u gay?
brynscamaro (23:11:59): bi
Trollaxor (23:12:10): are you flaming?
brynscamaro (23:12:22): I'm a bottom
brynscamaro (23:12:31): luv to be fucked
Trollaxor (23:12:32): ooh good
brynscamaro (23:12:56): I'll swallow all of it
brynscamaro (23:13:07): how would you fuck me
Trollaxor (23:13:19): without lube and until you cried and bled.
brynscamaro (23:13:30): really
Trollaxor (23:13:49): u dont think i could make u bleed?
brynscamaro (23:14:31): I would put my legs over your shoulders so you could go deeper
Trollaxor (23:14:42): i may kill you that way
brynscamaro (23:14:57): I want it
brynscamaro (23:15:04): fuck me
brynscamaro (23:15:32): I'm useing a dildo right now
Trollaxor (23:15:38): uh ok... "ohh oooh i am so hard... your hole is so tight, you little twink"
brynscamaro (23:16:12): harder baby
Trollaxor (23:16:43): i just ruptured your colon
Trollaxor (23:16:44): booooooommmmm
brynscamaro (23:16:47): tear my ass up
brynscamaro (23:17:04): cum on...be serious
brynscamaro (23:17:11): u gay?
Trollaxor (23:17:21): you're bleeding profusely
Trollaxor (23:19:01): i think you are passing out so i slap you and fuck you harder
Trollaxor (23:19:13): "wake up bitch"
brynscamaro (23:19:21): I can swallow 12 inches
Trollaxor (23:19:24): "you useless fuckhole"
Trollaxor (23:19:57): ok i take my shit-encrusted dick out of your ass and hold it in front of you. "swallow, bitch"
brynscamaro (23:20:21): I'll suck you good
brynscamaro (23:20:38): I promise
Trollaxor (23:21:09): ok lick the shit off of my dick first
brynscamaro (23:21:19): my ass is clean
brynscamaro (23:21:31): sucking on your head
Trollaxor (23:21:33): not after i got through with it
Trollaxor (23:21:47): there'sd blood and turd all over my hard throbbing cock
brynscamaro (23:22:12): thats nasty dude
Trollaxor (23:22:32): you asked for it
Trollaxor (23:22:33): now SUCK IT BITCH
Trollaxor (23:22:39): you twink, i want you to make me cum
Trollaxor (23:22:44): all 10"
Trollaxor (23:22:49): cumming all over your face
brynscamaro (23:22:55): sucking baby
brynscamaro (23:23:19): you taste so good
Trollaxor (23:23:34): does that blood and feces taste good too?
Trollaxor (23:23:43): TELL ME IT TASTES GOOD TWINK
brynscamaro (23:23:52): yes
Trollaxor (23:24:02): ok i slap you a few times. SUCK HARDER
brynscamaro (23:24:20): mmmmmm
Trollaxor (23:24:35): i want you to masturbate yourself as you do this
brynscamaro (23:24:45): i am
brynscamaro (23:24:47): u
Trollaxor (23:24:57): finger your asshole
brynscamaro (23:25:03): mmm
brynscamaro (23:25:09): wish it was u
brynscamaro (23:25:35): will you kiss me
Trollaxor (23:25:38): ok i take my dick out of your mouth
brynscamaro (23:25:41): suck on my toung
Trollaxor (23:25:43): i kiss you
Trollaxor (23:25:48): now lay down on the bed flat
brynscamaro (23:26:00): yes
Trollaxor (23:26:01): you know what's coming next?
brynscamaro (23:26:13): time to ride
Trollaxor (23:26:25): no lay on your back, boi
brynscamaro (23:26:30): ok
brynscamaro (23:26:58): lieing
brynscamaro (23:27:05): ready
Trollaxor (23:27:23): now i squat over your head, my asshole poised above your lips... i let out a thunderous fart and hear you sucking in the scent through your nose. then i let loose with a wet ripping noise… a 18" turd slides out, 4" wide, and firm, and you begin wolfing it down as fast as you can.
brynscamaro (23:27:25): fuck me
brynscamaro (23:28:55): thats fucking nasty... I would kill you if you did that you dickless bitch!

"brynscamaro" signed off at 23:29:31.

Feb 2, 2002

Clarus: The Apple Dogcow

It's a well known fact that Apple, since its inception, has been a haven for free thinkers and progressive thought, heralded by none other than famous acid-tripping Steve Jobs and his hippie buddies from California. It was on one of the famous beach parties, notorious for getting out of hand, that Clarus was born.

It was a balmy night in August 1984 that Jobs held yet another beach party, this one with a special theme: who could come up with a mascot for the Mac development team? Of course, the Apple II team was there and tensions, as always, were high. That didn't deter the Mac team from bringing their pet, Clara, a cow they'd been raising on the Apple campus since birth.

Clara was birthed by the Mac team when they'd held a party on the Apple campus and had hired a bull-breeder as entertainment. All night long, the bull-breeder studded Hercules, his prize bull, with an assortment of cows. As the festivities continued throughout the night, a strange moaning was coming from one of the trailers.

One of the cows he'd brought with him was, unbeknownst to the bull-breeder, pregnant! The Mac development team, being the resourceful hackers they were, helped give birth to the calf, the mother losing its life in the process. The bull-breeder was so taken by the Mac dev team's efforts he let them keep the calf, which they named Clara.

Now, at the August 1984 beach party, the Mac team lobbied for Jobs to adopt Clara as the development mascot of the Macintosh. The Apple II team, spurned and bitter because of dwindling sales and neglect at the hand of Jobs, had brought their own mascot — Cletus, a vicious Rotweiler they'd bought from a ruddy-faced street man in the ghetto of Cupertino for $25.

Cletus was a frothing, flea-and-mange ridden terror that barked at the least provocation. The Apple II team fed it raw goat meat and corrupted 5.25" floppies to make it mean. They also kicked it and made sure its chain was too tight at all times. Here at the party was their chance for revenge at Jobs and his favorite Mac development team.

As the night wore on, both the Apple II and Mac teams got drunker and drunker before Jobs called for a company vote on the mascot. What met the company's faces was something none of them could have imagined, however.

In their drunken, stoned stupor, the embittered Apple II team had snuck into Clara's trailer and cut the rear end of off Clara. Drugging her with ether to staunch her cries, they had used an electric chainsaw, cut her back legs and rectum cleanly off, and taken them to the bonfire to cook and eat. They'd even fed some to the drunk Mac dev team.

After they'd done this, they forced Cletus into the gaping hole in Clara's rear end. Gnawing away at his first real meal in months, Cletus lodged himself in Clara's colon and couldn't break free. So when the Mac dev team opened Clara's trailer and led their pet down the ramp, they were met with a bloody, gut-strewn mess and a weird, unnatural animal call of moof!

The entire company was sickened by this and soon the sand was dotted with puddles of vomit. Cries of moof, moof! filled the air as the joined dogcow trundled terribly along the beach, seizuring with each step, vomiting an icky mass of hair and blood, with a glazed look in its cow eyes. With a final shudder, the dogcow fell and died, and the partygoers surrounded the putrid mess of bovine/canine flesh.

Of course, it didn't take long for the Mac dev team to discover the Apple II team's treachery and a bloody brawl ensued over the death of Clara. By the end of the night, the cow, the dog, and the Apple II team were simple piles of broken, bloody bones.

In light of the events that night, Jobs had no other choice to commemorate the tragic events that had unfurled and therefore made Apple's development mascot the dogcow, Clarus, a merging of the two animals' names, Clara and Cletus.

And that, for those who didn't know, is the origin of Clarus the dogcow. Every time you click on a Mac OS Easter-egg that utters moof, you can look back to the terrible events that August, 1984 night at the Apple beach party that brought you the Clarus, the Apple dogcow.

Jan 30, 2002

Scat Magazine

Eric's brow, furrowed into numerous crap lines, was covered by his sweaty red forelock. His hands shook. He mouthed the words “hoooh boy” silently as he began a steady hyperventilation.

Finally, after waiting for weeks and weeks, he had what he'd gone to sleep thinking about every night: the first issue of SCAT!, the magazine for poop fanatics everywhere, had finally hit the stands.

Eric's heart burst with pride, as he had taken the last of his money made when VA Linux Software had gone public and invested in this private project of the Slashdot staff.

Jan 28, 2002

The PowerPC 7455 Is Too Little, Too Late

Let's face it: Apple's new offerings in the Power Mac line are too little, too late. The PowerPC 7455 is a cop-out for the real deals (the 7460, 7500, and the 8500). If Apple doesn't get its act together soon on the high end, it'll be relegated to a consumer-only nitch and dwindle until it's bought out for its brand name.

Apple's been severely slacking when it comes to keeping its high end customers appeased. Just how long did the Power Mac stay at 500 MHz? 18 months? Well, you do have to hand it to Apple: they broke Moore's law. But don't drone on about Motorola's bug in the 7400 that kept it at 500 MHz and no higher. IBM has a 1 GHz G3 out now (the PowerPC 750FX) and could have easily provided Apple with the firepower it needed then. No AltiVec you say? Motorola's a greedy miser. They could easily release an AltiVec-only co-processor, but they want to keep it tied to PowerPC so they're guaranteed business. Business from a company too stupid to drop deadbeat technology, Apple.

Motorola's PowerPC 7455 is a compromise. It's basically a rehash of heretofore substandard processor technology with a few new fabrication features added to let it crawl towards the 1 GHz mark. There's nothing new on the table with it, and that's what makes Apple look even stupider. How long have rumor sites been predicting Apollo (the 7460)? And it's a well-known fact that the 8500 has been in testing for over a year. Yet Apple finally breaks the gigahertz barrier with something that barely is capable of doing so, a silly token upgrade to the 7450.

Why do we Mac users put up with Apple delivering slop from a bleeding company that can't keep a schedule? The only thing that makes these systems "fast" compared to the new 2.2 GHz 786/Pentium4 or AMD's XP is Steve Jobs's Reality Distortion Field. That in itself is amazing, but not perpetually sustaining. Eventually (hopefully) Mac users will smarten up to this kind of marketechnology.

It's really kind of funny. Apple has awesome machines and stays ahead of the competition hardware-wise but runs Mac OS 8 and 9, which aren't at all native to PowerPC and can't do SMP, then it gets an OS that has memory protection, SMP support, full native PowerPC code, preemption, etc. (Mac OS X) and lets its hardware fall behind by a year.

I remember back when when Apple was encroaching on SGI's low and mid end systems; now you need a PowerPC 74xx to run Mac OS X because the 750 is under-powered but still shows up in the iMac and iBook lines. That's called selling snake-oil.

If I were you I'd consider the above and think about jumping ship. I didn't like to admit it but once I was honest with myself I felt like technology was going somewhere besides the Barbie aisle.

Jan 25, 2002

Death on Route 69

Jesus fucking Christ. I nearly died today on the highway. Kansas City drivers are terrible anyway so I am always aloof when I drive. But today was something a little more than careless drivers. Someone was out to kill me.

Jan 10, 2002

Eddie Gentry, Victim of Slashdot

Little Eddie Gentry was a misunderstood teen. At age six, his parents divorced in a messy court battle. His mother ended up winning 95% custody due to his father's "questionable" habits and employments, all of which centered around Slashdot and the Open Source community.

By the time Eddie was 15, he had quite a few hobbies but no real friends. Eddie spent most of his time coding on an operating system called Linux and posting informative and interesting comments on Slashdot. Living in his mother's basement, Eddie stayed up all night learning new tips and tricks, desperately trying to become 1337 in a world in which he felt negelected.

Eddie's mother had been working two jobs since he could remember, and now that Eddie was about to start driving, she was going to look for another and had also been suggesting to Eddie that he start perusing the want-ads for a job for himself when he got his license. Naturally this left Eddie's mother with little time for Eddie; she rarely even dated for all she had time for was work, work, paying bills, and keeping up their two-bedroom condo. Without a male rold-model, Eddie was socially and personally confused and so felt more comfortable shirking the world and staying in his dark, musty basement most of the time.

Months after Eddie got his license, he grew even more disenchanted with the world. Thinking his license would lead to a more active social life, Eddie was disappointed when no girls were interested in the '85 maroon Dodge Omni he drove around; his homemade MP3 player he installed in his car didn't impress any of the guys in school either. The great gas mileage was no consolation. He grew more depressed and his grades slipped. The world was becoming dark in little Eddie Gentry's eyes. He sank into his Linux programming and Slashdotting more and more until he was ignoring his homework completely and regularly came to work (at a QuikTrip gas station) 20 or 30 minutes late just so he could post a few extra comments here or there on Slashdot.

Eddie was now 16 years old and knew only the feeling of the cold, damp basement and and hard work at the nearby QuikTrip; he never had felt the warmth of a woman's touch or the firm hug of a caring father. He'd never felt the burst of adrenaline the goalie feels in football when he sees the other team heading towards him; he'd never felt the teasing itch of a healing sunburn on his back. And at 16, Eddie was beginning to grow bitter and feel cheated by the lack of experience he had in life. He damned his father for being a sadistic asshole towards him as a baby, and he blamed his mother for worrying too much about him and the bills she always seemed to be talking about. He also blamed himself, though he didn't know why. And it showed in his Slashdot posts…

Re: Linux Kernel 2.4.12 Available (Score:-1, Flamebait)
by F4st Edd1e on Thursday January 10, @01:13 (#2848943) (User #551598 Info)

> time to download and compile, guys!
> Propz to Alan Cox and da man, Linus!

Who cares? This is the pits.

After several months spent in a non-stop downward spiral, Eddie gave up on real life and began writing CmdrTaco in desperation and loneliness. He talked about his life and the people he thought were cool, looking for approval from Rob Malda. What a poor thing to have attempted:

From: Rob Malda <malda@slashdot.org>
Date: Wednesday, January 02, 2002 03:13
To: F4st Edd1e <eddiegentry@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: LOL Is This Cool?

> so i was wondering if you could let me start
> coding Slash components, maybe i could be an
> author or something. that'd be so fucken cool
> i couldn't even imagine it all the guys in my
> computer club would be sooo jealous

Eddie, I have no idea who you are. Why do you keep emialing me? I really don't give a shit what CDs you stole from Best Buy or that you cut yourslef to see if it hurts.

I'm ading you to my killfile.

-Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda

After getting similar responses from the other Slashdot editors, and realizing no one real or electronic would ever care about him, Eddie's resolve steeled. Unfortunantly, it was with a poor solution to his problems that he began planning for. But for the first time in his short life, Eddie felt the weight of the world ascend from his shoulders. He smiled for the first time in a long time, and people noticed. Especially Marie Swanson, a schoolmate and neighbor. Eddie noticed little and cared less, however, because his plan was so clever and would solve so many problems. He was proud of himself for the first time ever and it was all going to happen soon. Very soon.

It was April 19, 2002 when Eddie pulled into the gravel driveway late at night. Killing the lights, Eddie grabbed the brown paper bag in the driver's seat and stashed it under his black trenchcoat. He attempted to slide by his mother but she halted him, holding his hands in hers. She told him she was happy for him and that she was relieved that he was coming out of his shell. Eddie weakly smiled and told his mom things were hard sometimes. If only she knew. Eddie told her he'd be back up for dinner and quickly ran to his Linux workstation in the corner of the basement, and launched Mozilla 0.9.7.

12 minutes later, Mozilla and Slashdot were finished loading, and Eddie was looking for the latest story. Perfect! This new one, regarding more VA Software downsizing, was brand new and had no comments yet. With bated breath and sweaty palms, Eddie clicked the link and started typing his message into the text field. He trembled and shook as he typed, his fingers a blur on the keyboard. The intensity in his eyes was matched only by the emptiness behind them.

It had been an hour since Eddie came home and as usual, not a peep was heard from the basement. Eddie's mother stared at the sink, quietly going over the ingredients for tonight's dinner, Eddie's favorite dish: hot-dog and bean casserole covered in melted American cheese. She wanted to make something special for her little boy. She jumped as she was brought out of her trance by the phone ringing. She waited, thinking Eddie would pick it up, but as he sometimes wore headphones and listened to his music very loudly, she picked it up herself on the third ring. It was Marie Swanson, the neighbor girl.

"Is Eddie there?" came the timid voice on the other end. Eddie's mom said she'd get Eddie, but first she asked if she could tell him what it was regarding—Eddie was often stubborn about coming to the phone sometimes.

"I just wanted to ask Eddie if he'd like to join me and Lisa and her cousin Mike at the movies with us tonight. Tell him he can call me back later if he's busy, we didn't want to go until the seven-o-clock show anyway." With that, Eddie's mom was on her way down the stairs and calling Eddie's name. No reply came, so she assumed that this would be another round of turning the sound down on his stereo to get his attention. She couldn't have been wronger. What met her eyes was the worst site a mother could ever hope to see in her life. Even though he could have been asleep, she knew better.

Eddie was laying slumped over with his head restng on the keyboard, one arm under his head and the other, his left, hanging limply straight down. Spittle was slowly drying on his lower lip, and his eyes bulged out of his head in a ghastly manner. His skin was a sick light blue-purple color, which was obscured by the thick, clear plastic bag taped firmly around his neck. Attached to the bag by some tape was some fishtank air-pump tubing, which at its other end was connected to yet another bag containing some misty substance. The basement smelled like almonds.

Eddie was dead, a victim of himself.

The shrieks and cries heard that night were never forgotten by any of the neighbors. Eddie's mother's life would never be the same, and the school was closed in a day of mourning. Counseling was given freely all day for the next week as well, and Eddie's mother spoke at a memorial service for the school. Things were pretty straight forward, and everyone—especially Eddie's mom—went straight into dealing with the loss, nearly impossible as that is.

What Eddie's mother always assumed was that Eddie was angst-ridden and unhappy and had no healthy way to express this to anyone, and she blamed herself for this. Though this was genericaly true, Eddie's mother had missed something that night in her blind anguish. Had she looked a little closer at the computer her son lay dead in front of, she would have seen something very telling that could have given her more depth of understanding. Alas, she didn't, even though all it would have taken was a single click of the Back button. As it was, when they removed the computer for examination, there was evidence of one final attempt Eddie made to communicate his feelings to someone, somewhere. Like all of Eddie's other attempts in life, however, his attempt failed miserable.

Who knows, maybe Eddie would have waited just long enough for his mother to have made it downstairs had his comment been read? What a sad, frustrating life Eddie ended that night.

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