FOSS Aftershave Preferences

“Alan Cox” <Alan.Cox@linux.org>

Technically, I don't use aftershave. I have quite a healthy beaver growing off of my face. However, me and the boys—the young Open Source fans I like to take to the pub for a few pints and then back to my flat after they're dead-drunk—like to eat each others' feces. I suppose you could then call the diarrhea that gets caught up in my beard as aftershave, since I love its scent so well and leave it on all day.

“Eric S. Raymond” <esr@catb.org>:

I used to religiously wear a product called "Money." I haven't been able to find any in a long while, even at VA Linux's bathouses. Who knows where it went? Now I just count the Jägermeister I dribble on myself in drunken stupors as aftershave and leave it at that.

“Richard M. Stallman” <rms@stallman.org>

Ah, I wonder if you're mistaken. You see, I haven't shaved since the founding of the Free Software Foundation in 1984. I have no use for aftershave. in fact, it looks like there's a God-damned baby goat surgically attached to my face. Some liken my beard to a giant vulva as well: hairy, with a stinking hole in the center. I have no use for aftershave.

“Rob Malda” <malda@slashdot.org>

I usually prefer Hemos's semen. There's nothing like rubbing it all over my face, especially when it's nice and warm and fresh. Besides, what man can't resist that cum-odor? If I am lucky enough to be wearing Hemos's gunk, I notice I get hit on a lot more at the bars I go to. What other aftershave can make me a homosexual cock-lust faggot magnet? Yeah, I definitely prefer Hemos's semen.

The Open Source Mullet

At the place where I work, there's an Open Source zealot with a mullet. The most annoying hybrid of human ever to exist.

He loves to throw around technical terms. Yeah, the SPARC's 64-bit! he exclaimed to the temp we just hired. Oh, is it, Open Source Mullet? I always thought that the SPARC was 32-bit, and the UltraSPARC was 64 bit. But I don't use Linux, so I wouldn't know.

AS/400s are pretty open systems, he would mouth-shit. What the fuck!? So I coyly asked, How are they open? Man, his fucking answer made me want to rip his head off and fuck his throat.

Well, now that Linux runs on it... and I heard no more.

I almost wanted to cry. And he went on about how the major players are all involved in Open Source, and how Open Source is this and that and blah blah blah... Lord, why did he have to work here?

It had come to the point where he would spout off about Linux with all of his buzzwords every time someone asked him a question, regardless of what it was. My boss had asked me if I had Photoshop for my Mac for a web project, and lo and behold, here comes Open Source Mullet with comments about how the Gimp is just as good, etc.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE, DOES IT RUN ON MY MAC? CAN I INSTALL IT WITH A FEW CLICKS, OR DO I HAVE TO DOWNLOAD A MILLION LIBRARIES AND COMPILE ITS FUCKING SOURCE CODE FIRST!? CAN IT DO EVERYTHING PHOTOSHOP DOES!? I DON'T THINK SO, OPEN SOURCE MULLET!!! AND I HAVE A JOB TO DO!

Anyway, I tossed him my lethal grenade: My new iBook runs Mac OS X.

Open Source Mullet flared his nostrils.

It's Unix. A BSD userland with an optimized Apple kernel. And Apple's GUI and apps on top. Sure as Hell don't need Linux on my Mac now.

Open Source Mullet half growled. When the Hell did that come out?

Man, for being such an Open Source advocate, he sure hadn't paid attention to Apple's Public Source License, an official Open Source license. Could he be nothing more than a Linux mark?

Well, to end my frustration with him for that day, he started having problems with his Oracle8i install. Thankfully that tied him up for the rest of the day.

I could still hear him hissing fuckin' bitch under his breath every few minutes though, and something about mySQL being a lot simpler to configure.

Oh well. I had made it through another day without murdering the Open Source Mullet.

Black Friday

I'm sure you're curious as to why Slashdot, OSDN, and the rest of VA Linux's network wasn't available the weekend of Friday, June 22, 2001. I was. Then I found out. In this exposé, I will inform the reader on the why and the how of Slashdot's worst outage yet, its narrow escape from death, its darkest day in history.

More…

Slashdot: The Place to Be Gay

Believe it or not, the majority of Slashdot readers are male, aged 12 to 24, are computer literate or computer proficient, introverted, and homosexual. Slashdot creator and self-avowed homosexual Rob Malda, who, in 1997 in his Holland, Michigan dorm, was running a gay singles' list, had the following to say:

If I hadn't had Slashdot when I was coming out, I don't know what would have happened. There would have been no one to connet with, no twinks to share my rage with, no bears to gain knowledge from. Slashdot was the ultimate gay hookup and for that alone am I thankful I created it years ago.

Obviously, Slashdot serves more than the tech community it purports to cater to. In 1999, Slashdot hired then-Wired columnist Jon Katz, another openly gay literary genius. Sporting blue hair and multiple facial piercings, the angst-ridden Katz expresses in his writings are clearly visible in real life. I'd found a home with Rob. Wired was too straight, but at Slashdot I fit right in.

Finally, in early 2000, public homosexual and Nazi censor Michael Sims joined the Slashdot orgy crew. I wanted to introduce goat sex and a lot of non-Slashdot, homosexual, erect male penises to the group, said Sims, So ESR got involved with donkey dicks and we all like to suck each other off. Without Rob Malda, Michael Sims would be nothing except an aggravated gay male without a place to call home.

Slashdot is definitely the place to be gay concluded Sims. Definitely the place to be gay.

The Slashdot Story Submission Queue

Yes. It is correct to assume that, on average at any given time, ⅕ of the stories in the submission queue are, indeed, trolls. Research conducted by me has revealed that this ratio is usually stable, but certain factors do cause it to shift.

More…

Surprised by Cock

A few hours ago, I learned that I am now (at least in theory) absurdly gay.

I was at my machine, my 386 with 4 megs of RAM running Linux, masturbating to pictures of RMS, when I got an email congratulating me on the success of VA Linux Systems IPO. I was working on my latest small project -- a clever little text parser that takes input from the user and puts it in a little cartoon-style word balloon coming out of a giant, erect ASCII penis's bulging head! Hahaha! It's called COCKSAY.

More…

Another Apology

I began my notorious career in trolling because I thought it would be fun to get reactions out of the regular Slashdot readers. In attempting to do so I've posted trick links to corpses, written paranoid, homoerotic articles on members of the software community, and in general made a pest out of myself by violating others' good taste and personal values.

More…