Dear Pat Robertson: Anal Hygeine & God

Dear Pat Robertson:

I'm afraid that wiping too vigorously after using the restroom will make me gay. Usually I try closing my eyes and praying during the moment of defecation and wiping but I'm till terrified. I thought of installing a bidet that sprays holy water but I'm afraid it won't be enough. How do I avoid becoming homosexual and angering god?

Thank you.