The Malebox Bar

Ever since Eric Raymond had raped him at his house in Holland and later again at Slashdot New Year's Eve party, Rob Malda's life had reached an all time low. Sleeping until four or five in the evening, he would wake and surf the 'net for pictures of young, boyish men and call and talk tearfully to Hemos on the phone. He ignored Slashdot, thinking himself above editing tech-news, while his Open Source stocks slipped. Depression and anxiety had Rob so entirely that it seemed he would never again enjoy life. He had truly hit bottom.

In the midst of his malaise, Rob had forgotten his birthday but Hemos managed to coax him out for a night on the town across the state in Detroit. After their little road trip, the pair went on a shopping spree, took in a movie, and ate dinner at a very chic — and expensive — restaurant. After stopping for ice cream, the two friends headed to Rob's favorite Detroit night spot, the Malebox Bar. There they wasted no time dancing to the latest hard house remixes and downing shot after shot of watermelon Jolly Rancher drinks.

As time wore on and mix after mix pounded the dance floor, Rob and Hemos began feeling tipsy and decided to take a break in the club's arcade. The two fought through Mortal Kombat like an old married couple, went back and forth in Altered Beast, and played a couple rounds of Spy Hunter. The conversation had slowly turned to MAME, an Open Source program that emulated dozens of arcade games by means of illegally pirated ROM files, as they began playing Rampage. Rob and Hemos had gigs and gigs of illegally pirated ROM files.

It's ludicrous playing video games here when we have MAME on our systems at home, Hemos said as he punched Rob in the back of the head and jumped halfway up a building.

Yeah, Rob said as he smashed a tank. But you can't get any action sitting at home playing video games like you can here.

Too bad there's no way to pick up guys and play MAME at the same time, Hemos said as he ate a bathing woman and burped. That would be the best.

Yeah, that would be pretty great, Rob said.

Rob stopped climbing the building he was on, leaving Hemos to smash the building and jump away before it collapsed. Rob fell on his butt and lost some life.

Rob, are you okay? Hemos asked while button-mashing Rob's character into oblivion. Rob?

Hemos continued speaking, but Rob wasn't there. His eyes were wide and glazed, focused elsewhere. He was smiling weird and crooked as the game showed in reverse in his eyes. Hemos finally turned to look at Rob.

Robert Hubert Malda! Hemos yelled, hands on hips in frustration. Not waiting for a response, he reached out and pinched his friend's elbow. He didn't like that look in his eyes — it always meant something bad was about to happen. Rob came to, shaking his head and stepping back from the game, which was now blinking GAME OVER at him. He turned and looked at Hemos, who was fuming.

Jeff, uh, I'm sorry. I– I guess I zoned out there for a minute, he said as he looked around the bar. I, um. I'll be right back.

And before Jeff could say a word, Rob was off like a flash into the crowd.

❖

Jesus Christ, Rob! Jeff said between breaths. This thing is heavy and there's barely room for it in my back seat!

Ha, yeah right, Rob said, grunting. There's always room in your back seat!

Jeff rolled his eyes at Rob's little jab. You be nice, you're lucky I'm letting you do this.

With one final shove and groan, Rob was finished, and the old, worn arcade game shell was wedged tightly the back seat of Jeff's VW Jetta. They bound the back doors to the machine with bungie cord and then tied their red hankies to it, sat down against the side of the car, and lit cigarettes.

So what exactly are you going to do with this thing? Hemos asked between puffs. You're building a MAME system?

My plan is much more ambitious than just some MAME system, Rob said, smirking. But it's based on the same concept. It also combines my love of hairless man-boys.

There was a depraved look of malignant inspiration in Rob's tired, bloodshot eyes.

It was when you were talking about playing MAME and getting ass, Rob continued. That very instant, on that very spot, I decided to build a twink molesting machine.

Hemos choked on his cigarette. A what? he asked in disbelief.

Rob flicked his cigarette away and stood up. I'm going to build a cage in which I can entrap young boys — a cage from which they can't escape and are totally vulnerable in.

Hemos sighed. Vulnerable to what, Rob?

To homosexual assault, of course! Rob leered as he entered the passenger side door.

Oh god, Rob, Hemos said, opening the driver's side door. You have been watching way too much hentai!

And with that, the car, weighed down by the old arcade machine, rolled off toward Holland.