Hi. Halloween's here again, and it's time to update your Halloween vandal knowledge with version 2.0 of my Smashing Pumpkins HOWTO guide. This new version contains the same basic information as v1.0, but expounds on many crucial details as well as some new tips and tricks.
Enjoy!
Pumpkin-Smashing Fashion
There are three main aspects of clothing to review when choosing your vandal's wardrobe: fabric, color, and cost.
Dark clothing is a must. It doesn't have to be black, however; navy or dark grays should work just fine. But avoid wearing lighter shades or neon colors at all costs. The objective is to blend into the darkness as a shadow, and you won't be able to do that in bright colors. Hot pink jumpsuits are inappropriate for any occasion, let alone stealing pumpkins-- but if there is to be a decoy in your group, that's a bit different.
The fabric or material your clothing is made of should be warm, quiet, and easily washed. For one, you don't want to make more noise than you have to if you are going to grab pumpkins from a lit-up front porch. Swishies may be cheap or easy to get your hands on, but this isn't a try-out for the track team (though this is a good way to get in shape!). Cotton never ratted anyone out, and many cotton/synthetic blends are available for extra warmth and durability.
Also keep in mind that you're likely to fall into grass or mud, drip pumpkin guts on yourself, and sweat up a storm. Gap-brand swishies will record these mishaps for all eternity. Get something that washes well, which will make your $10 investment pay for itself in pumpkins instead of becoming soiled beyond use in one excursion.
Black, navy, or gray jogging pants and hoodies cost from $8 to $20 a piece depending on where purchased. Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, Ames, and many truck-stops such as Petro or Flying J's carry these items and often times very cheaply. I would choose generics over the name brands since there is no added benefit for the expense in our situation.
HINT: Wear clean, every-day clothes underneath your "work clothes," or stash some in cache. A breather at a diner or a run-in with Smokey can be times your dark or muddy "work clothes" arouse unwanted suspicion.
The Shoes Make the Man
Traction. The most important thing to you in shoes is their ability to allow you to run and not slip and spill your squash all over the place. To this end, avoid pumps, high-heels, and dress-shoes. It's probably a good idea to leave the Doc Martens at home too. A simple pair of department store tennis shoes are more than adequate for pumpkin-acquiring missions. If you have a pair of Nikes or Reeboks those will work too, though muddying those expensive shoes may not be worth it. Just make sure that you won't wipe out in wet grass, slick concrete, or mud.
HINT: A spare pair of shoes or boots can be a life saver! Mud-caked shoes will be too tedious to clean off in the event that you are accused of stealing winter squash.
The Getaway
Larger-scale pumpkin collections require a vehicle with some sort of storage area, whether it be the floor in front of the seats, a trunk, the back of an SUV, or a truck bed. Estimating your quota and deciding on the appropriate vehicle beforehand can make all the difference in the success—or failure—of your mission. If your goal is a dozen orange orbs and your vehicle of choice is a Geo Metro, forget it. Get a truck or a hatchback.
A a quiet car is a boon. Dis-repaired cars with poor exhaust systems or a wake of fumes are going to get noticed, especially when they wake people up from the side of the street. Your friend with a tricked-out car and cherry-bomb mufflers needs to leave his shining neon toy in the garage as well.
There's a Light…
Whether it's a glow-stick, a flashlight, or a lighter, you should have some form of light on hand. Interior car lights are fine for reading maps, but what about those pumpkins you might miss, rolled out of the way? Or that slimy mass on the underside of a pumpkin a fat, juicy slug?! Seeing what you're doing in the dark is a no-brainer. Mag-Lites are always great but for under $5 you can have more than enough illumination to snatch pumpkins with. Bring something to light the way.
And With These Hands
Goat-skin gloves not only protect your hands from abrasions caused by pumpkin-shaft spines but also feel soft and retain heat well. Spend the extra $10 and your hands will thank you. If you're skimping, cotton gloves (not mittens, which impede manual dexterity) are better than nothing. Pumpkin spines in your hands for days is an unpleasant experience.
Life on the Razor's Edge
Utility knives can be used to cut pumpkins and gourds tied up in a lawn display, slicing the stems off of pumpkins, and severing electrical cords that over-zealous lawn-weenies use to add extra lighting to Halloween and Thanksgiving displays. Prices range from $2 to $10 for the knives, and the razors are only about $1 a pack. Get yourself one. 'Nuff said.
Got Sac?
Carrying your newly-stolen pumpkins or tools can tighten your mission up that little bit extra, and that makes all the difference. Again, department stores are your friend. Backpacks of all sizes can be had, from book-bags to camping sacks. Again, black is better than jungle leopard pink and green Barbie print. Even pillow cases can be employed to this end. Trash bags are better excluded, since pumpkins will poke holes and render them useless.
