GNU's Not Straight!

finger

This filthy piece of software is perpetuated over the net by the FSF under the guise of being able to “finger” any server and gathering info on a specific user. Its real purpose, however, is far sicker. Finger refers to the act of inserting a finger or two into an anus and fetching feces to ingest or smear all over your gay lover. The devious metaphor of information retrieval broken!

goose

A goose is when a gay male (usually a Linux user) attempts to insert his index finger into another male's anus through his trousers, usually done without the victim's prior consent. This program obviously promotes forcing homosexual fun on unsuspecting straight men in hopes of converting them to homosexuality and Linux use.

help2man

There's no questioning the faggot nature behind this program. After scrutinizing the source code, I found that subliminal messages are printed to the screen and subsequently cleared every 60 microseconds that induce extreme homoerotic imagery in the victim/user. Though GNU documentation states this is a tool for generating manual pages, it's really obviously a tool to initiate gay thought and cock-lust in not-yet-gay Linux users.

mailman

“Software to help manage email discussion lists,” says the FSF site. More like “software to help manage homosexual discussion lists!” After looking through its source code, I found that versions .001 through .94 were actually called maleman, the name-change in version .95 made to enable easier distribution of this package — the original name sounded too gay for the masses, and the FSF knew it! Unless the topic of the mail thread being managed has something to do with depraved homosexual activity, the chances of losing data increase some 50%, thereby promoting homosexual discussion of cocks, rimjobs, and such. This is accomplished by means of a strcompare() and a hash table.

make

Let's look at the FSF's “innocent” description of this universal utility: “automatically determines which pieces of a large program need to be recompiled, and issues commands to recompile them” It's easy to see the gay meaning behind this. “Pieces of a large program” refers to an erect male penis, while “need to be recompiled” is symbolic of “needs to be buried deep within a male colon.” Issuing commands is simple enough. Who hasn't seen a gay porno where some hairless, lusty-eyed twink is getting his ass torn apart by monster dick while screaming “Fuck me, fuck me, oh God fuck me!?”

midnight commander

Oh my God!!! How blatant can the FSF get? Midnight Commander is described as “a user friendly and colorful Unix file manager and shell, useful to novice and guru alike.” Hello! Can this refer to anyone else but Rob “Commander Taco” Malda, editor in chief of Slashdot.org? No one else is as willing as he to be “useful to novice and guru alike.” Rob Malda is known to go down on a variety of Linux users, whether they are newbies or gurus, young or old, Jewish, African, Hispanic, or Caucasian (hence him being a “colorful” Unix manager). Needless to say, running this program grabs all of your personal information and emails it to Rob Malda, who then builds a “client list” and visits you when you least expect it.

patch

The FSF fags thought they could get clever with this one. Not while I'm around! Patch is distributed under the guise of a software updating utility. Ha! Patch refers to a common tactic used by gays for spontaneous sex: cuts are made in the anus-cock area of tight jeans, which allows a piece of masking tape to keep this “patch” shut when the genitals and ass-cunt are not in use (i.e., rarely). Again, as in other GNU programs, the user is submitted to subliminal flashes of instructions on how to create such a patch for gay fun.

sauce

Disgusting! Sauce is how faggots and shit-freaks refer to the post-coital discharge issued from the anus after a marathon ass-pounding. It is a sickening combination of semen, blood, and feces. It may also include anything else the fags thought was cool to put up their asses as well!

shtool

One consonant away from stool, otherwise known as shit or feces. It's “portable shell tool for use inside source trees of free software packages.” Hmm... Let's think about this one. Portable shell tool for use inside source trees of free software packages... Could they be referring to some mechanical device inserted inside of one another's anuses!? Source tree is obviously homo/GNU-slang for assholes. Free software packages, therefore, is faggot-speak for “gay anuses.” RMS's propaganda would have us believe being “free” means being gay. I'd avoid this piece of software if I were you.

The Terrible Truth About Kansas City

Holy shit! I couldn't wait to get into work today so I could share my latest breakthrough in busting the Kansas City Gay Faggot Sex Empire!!!

As I was driving to work, I passed a road right inside of Kansas City limits! The road had a name: RAINBOW BOULEVARD!!! I consider this incontrovertible proof that Kansas City was not founded on American principles of freedom and liberty but on the turgid platform of depraved homosexual lust and faggotry.

Let's linguistically examine what the cockfiends and perverts had in mind when they engineered this city.

The Liberty Memorial

Here in Kansas City we have a very special monument right downtown. At the top of the hill rises the Liberty Memorial, a giant phallic symbol dedicated to those who served and died in World War I. This giant cement cock is what attracts the folk who christened the area with a variant of its proper name. Yes, to the people who wear leather but don't ride bikes, this area is known as Butt Hill.

At the Liberty Memorial, local area businessmen demand the trade of he-bitches at all hours of the day. Driving near the wooded area, one can observe professional-looking business men of all races quietly tiptoeing in and out of the walking trails that surround the city's giant War Penis. At lunch, if one observes carefully enough, placid looking boyish twinks pick up johns at the rate of one for every ten minutes. That's six an hour over the lunch hour, and at twenty to fifty dollars a trick, an efficient man-whore can bring in well over two-hundred dollars an hour!!! That's more than some of the business men make themselves. Living in the shadow of the Kansas City Cock pays for those willing to serve sex-hungry business perverts!

Most of the citizens of Kansas City and its surrounding areas are God-fearing Christians, however, and as such, try to clean up the cruisy slums of their city, especially the memorial, where the most unChristian-like conduct occurs. Would Jesus, they ask themselves, be happy if he came to Kansas City to observe its memorial to those who fell in the Great War? Or would he be revolted by all the stiff gay cock wagging about him!?

Police sweeps of the area can only stop the gay sex traffic for days or weeks at a time before the walking fuck-holes resume plying their turgid trade. Constant vigilance and observation of this filthy sex offered by HIV-ridden friendly bears and hairless young boy-twinks offers hope of its removal from the city.

All in all, Kansas City is a great place. It's ranked number eight of the top ten technological cities in America and is sometimes even called the Silicon Prairie. But one thing this great city has in common with the better known Silicon Valley, besides technology, is faggots. Hopefully I can go undercover to try to bust up this dirty trade that infects Kansas City. Though the personal risk may be great, I also believe it will be worth it.