Eric & Emad: Iranian Hackers & Cyber-Buddies
Since the 2009 Iranian election protests, Eric S. Raymond, self-appointed public face of the hacker movement and alleged core developer of the Linux kernel, had been running wild thinking about wishing for Middle East problems spilling over into the Americas.
His long-standing suspicion of Islam, coupled with a throbbing curiosity about a people who wiped excrement from their backsides with their bare hands, had Eric in disarray. One minute he was conspiring with Iranian hackers in IRC, the next he was bolted to Fox News, foaming at the mouth and shouting at the television.
Alongside all of this were his trusty companions, a never-ending bottle of Jägermeister and his Glock.
Eric was just posting another rant to his blog when his 386 started swapping like a man at a computer auction; Felchmale was loading a new message.
From: emad.opensores@gmail.com
To: esr@catb.org
Date: JUN 20 2009 16:27
Subject: IRANIAN HACKER COMMUNIQUÉEric,
It's Emad.
I know we haven't spoken since that whole Michael incident, but I think we should put our heads together about these Iranian hackers.
Meet me at the Carney's Point Flying J at 10 PM. Get shower stall 16 and wait for me. I'll be wearing a Slashdot t-shirt and drinking Bawls.
Don't be late. The future of Iranian hackers depends on it. So does the security of America too I guess, and gun ownership or something.
Emad
Eric smiled, lurid and yellow, and checked his X11 clock. Just after 4:30. He had several hours before he was to meet Emad. He took a shot of Jäger to celebrate and logged back into the Iranian hacker IRC channel. He shoved his glock down the front of his jeans, poured another shot of Jäger, and logged into the Iranian IRC server.
◇ ◇ ◇
Eric's glow-in-the-dark Casio calculator watch luminesced 9:59 PM at him in the darkened shower stall. He was at the Flyin' J's Travel Plaza near Penns Grove, New Jersey, and had just finished a Double Whopper with cheese and a king-sized order of onion rings. His cola sat nearby, untouched, since he'd spirited a fresh bottle of Jägermeister in with him by means of his Hackers bookbag. He was lucky to have found the rare tie-in merchandise on eBay and jumped at it; now the leader of hackers everywhere had an official bookbag.
Into his fourth shot of the night, Eric relished the ice-cold herbal liqueur. Emad was several minutes late, and Eric had taken the chance to make a particularly loud bowel movement and was now courtesy flushing for the third time in as many minutes. He downed his fifth shot of Jägermeister, whipped his sweatpants up to his belly, replaced his Glock in the waistband, and began some hacker stretches and exercises when he heard a knock at the door.
"Yes, can I help you?" Eric shouted through the thick steel door. "This shower is occupied."
"Just like Iran is occupied by the Great Satan of American interventionist politics?" came the reply from the other side.
Eric fumbled with the lock and opened the door with a scrape.
"Emad! As the leader of hackers around the world, I'd like to welcome you to my makeshift office!" Eric said, bowing. "We shall liberate our Iranian brothers this night!"
Emad looked around at the fastfood garbage, the bottle of Jäger cocked in the urinal full of ice, and a tan, tank-like Toshiba laptop sitting propped on the sink. It smelled like feces slathered in Burger King onion ring sauce. A fly buzzed somewhere in the shower stall.
"Hello, Eric," Emad said, finally locking eyes as best he could with the leader of hackerdom before him. "Before we begin this, you must explain something to me."
"Uh, what's that, Emad? I thought we had this all planned out."
"Sure, sure," Emad said. "But I was thinking on the way here, and something didn't make sense."
"Well what is it, Emad?" Eric asked, anxious to get on with the night.
"How is it that you characterize Iran as a barbaric region in need of monitoring by the United States, then come to the aid of the people oppressed by American interventionist politics?" Emad said. "This election fraud can be traced in a direct line back to American installation of the Shah during Operation Ajax and the subsequent rejection of a Western presence in Iranian politics."
"How do I…" Eric said, not quite following. "How do I what?"
"The threat that these hackers have united against in Iran," Emad said, color rushing to his face, "Is directly because of American political intervention in the country."
"Yeah? So?" Eric said, still trying to piece Emad's point together.
"American intervention you call for."
"Yeah…?"
"But you wish to support these hackers."
"Well of course I do!" Eric said. "I'm the leader of hackers all over the world! Of course I must come to their aid!"
"But they're united against something that policies you yourself prescribe have caused!"
Eric was lost again. He felt like he was almost getting it, like the Unicode fonts were almost installed and the little blank boxes would soon be replaced by actual text. But he just wasn't there.
"So your point," Eric said, working things out as he spoke, "Is that Iranian hackers are attacking their government instead of coding Linux, and you want less of the former and more of the latter."
"Uh, maybe there was a time for that. But now they're against governmental corruption that has been allowed to occur due in large part to American interventionist policies in Iran."
"Yes? And?"
"You support those policies!"
"Of course I do! Islam is a barbaric excuse for a religion! We ought to nuke those fuckers back into the Stone Age!"
Emad was more than agitated now. Not only did Eric think he had everything figured out, but he thought he had the right to tell others how to think and act. And it was clear Eric, behind a thick mental fog, had no idea which end was up, let alone what the Hell was going on in Iran.
"Look, you don't see that 'nuking them back into the Stone Age' is what put the current regime in power, the regime that Iranian hackers have united against?" Emad asked, hammering his point home. "And you don't see helping people against policies you support is somehow antithetical?"
Eric's halfie had long since faded into flaccidity and he wished he had worn underwear. His sweatpants seemed so cold. The romantic ambience of the private truckstop restroom was all but gone and he wanted this irritating conversation to be over with.
"Look, Emad, I don't know what you think you're getting at, but let me tell you this. Iranian hackers need my help, and after it's all over they can go back to hacking Linux or one another's butts or whatever to their hearts' content. In the meantime, I must back them to the hilt." Eric drew himself up to his full 5'8" and reached for the Glock in his waistband. "Do you have a problem with that?"
Emad refused to be intimidated. "Yes, I have a problem with someone who talks out of both sides of their mouth without an understanding of anything they say at all!"
"Well then. Maybe the time for talking is over," Eric said, replacing his Glock. "Would you like a drink?" He motioned to the bottle of Jägermeister chilling in the urinal.
"I guess. There's no point in trying to talk about this logically, is there? This is so depressing."
Eric poured Emad a shot of Jägermeister with a flourish, one for himself, and paused for a toast.
"The plight of the hacker is often depressing, something I know all the more as leader of hackers the world over," Eric said, looking wistfully into his glass. He swirled his Jäger thoughtfully.
"But as the leader of all hackers, I am armed and ready to defend hacker rights with deadly force if necessary—day or night, here or abroad. Salud!" Eric threw his head back and closed his eyes as the icy herbal liqueur froze down his throat. "Ahhh!"
Emad sipped his Jäger, never taking his eyes off of Eric. He had an idea.
"Hey Eric. Are you into being tied up at all?"
"Not usually, no," Eric said as he poured himself another. "I like to be the one in charge."
Thinking fast, Emad countered. "What if we were to, ah, roleplay a little bit?"
Eric's interest was piqued. "Oh? I consider myself a skilled and veteran player suitable for major and even leading roles, and I have a reasonably well-stocked costume closet, including everything from an impressive wizard's outfit to a pair of bear-claw mittens—which I happen to have brought with me!"
"Um, cool! How would you like to play the leader of a group of underground hackers who's been captured by the evil Iranian mullahs and faces torture to betray his hacker buddies?"
Eric was transfixed. Emad sure knew how to make things real hot, real quick.
"My character's name will be Eric the Hacker!" Eric said, positioning himself on the toilet. "You be the evil mullah."
"Sounds good, Eric. Do you have any rope in your bag?"
Eric reached for his gym bag and produced a coil of cheap yellow nylon rope. "Here you go! Don't worry, my skin is callused from spending days in the woods in character. You can tighten it as you see fit. This isn't women's LARP!"
"No, it certainly isn't," Emad said to himself as he began straightening the rope. "No it is not."
"Hey, do you know any Persian?" Eric asked. "I think it would add a nice layer of realism if you shouted your demands at me in Persian as you torture me."
"Sure, anything you want, گوز دماغ."
◇ ◇ ◇
THUD THUD THUD
Eric woke with a spasm. The lights were out and the pounding sounded like echoes in a cave. Eric started up to get the door, but found himself tightly bound.
"What the–" he started before remembering. Emad and he had LARPed last night. A leader of an underground group of hackers and an evil Persian mullah… Tortured, bound with rope and injected… with Jägermeister, and… waterboarded with urine. At least three times.
THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD
"Goddammit, hold on a second!" Eric shouted. He had no sense of time, only a rush of nausea and a splitting headache that told him that it had been hours since he'd had any Jäger. And where was Emad?
As his senses slowly returned to him, Eric realized that, along with being tied tightly to the toilet, he was buck naked.
THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD
"Sir, your time limit expired hours ago. You can't stay in our restrooms overnight!" a voice outside the door shouted.
Eric heard keys jangle.
"Wait a minute! I'm getting my things together!" Eric shouted back, trying to buy time. He was struggling hard and naked to untie himself from the toilet.
THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD
"My name is Eric the Hacker, and I'm the leader of an underground group of freedom fighters…"
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