Bankrupted by Free Software

Dear Trollaxor:

I work for a Linux company and at one point had become quite wealthy by means of an enormous influx of wealth on account of our IPO. Since then, the market has changed and the stocks have plummeted and I'm left with barely what I began with before the IPO!

My question to you is, Mr. Trollaxor, what do I do next? My life is in shambles. I have extreme mood swings from depression into anger. I lived a luxorious lifestyle for months and now I can't have that. I drink bottles of Jägermeister everyday and spend most of my life in a stupor. I do not hold a regular job and IT companies and user groups no longer have the cash in this poor economy to hire me for speaking engagements. In another month, I'll have to file for bankruptcy!

Trollaxor, any idea will help at this point. I've hit rock bottom and I can't see a way out. Please help!

Bankrupted by Free Software

Dear Eric,

You've got to pull yourself together, man! I see three prime things wrong with you and your life. Let's examine them.

1. You use Open Source and Free Software

   This is the reason so many Americans today are leading impoverished, desperate lifestyles. Linux has been linked with homosexuality, drug and alcohol abuse, and severe mental conditions and disorders. There's no denying that Linux is a gateway into a lot heavier substance/behavioral abuse. There are several solutions to this problem, but they all begin the same way: stop using Linux immediately, and do not look back.

2. Your ego is the size of a small Latin American country that is in the process of annexing its neighbors!

   Eric, you have a lot of ideas and falsehoods about yourself that you must let go of.

   First, you are not a gifted speaker. When people laugh during your speeches and seminars, they are laughing at you, not with you. You're ridiculous and the fact that you take yourself so seriously only adds to it. Admit you're a mental midget and that'll be your first step to reconciling your self and self-concept.

   Secondly, you are not a talented hacker. I mean, you never attended school! And I don't just mean college, I mean any at all! You sat in your basement all day and twiddled with a bunch of 386s running Linux for years, and that's what you call your training. You do realize, don't you, that a good number of the companies that have hired you wouldn't have if they knew that this was your only real experience in Computer Science and the IT fields. Once again we come back to Linux use. You know, buy yourself a Mac and run a respectable OS for once. At least you'll be getting some real-world experience.

3. You are really really gay.

   The title says it all. Stop being gay immediately and you'll find that life is not always filled with enema-raping and vomiting semen up after all-night sex-and-alcohol orgies with your local Linux Users' Group. There's a lot more life has to offer than waking up next to two naked, bearded college students covered in feces.

   Once more, we come back to Linux. Obviously the gateway OS has led you to a sinister life of faggotry and cock-lust that has spun out of control. I mean, a man should not have to wear a pad to save his underpants from his bleeding asshole, and anything that leads a man to such depravity is surely evil! Chuck those 386s down a coal-mine shaft and be done with it! I cannot stress this enough; I just hope you listen!

Whew. Well, I hope you smarten up and follow my advice, Eric. It's the only way. And it all begins with the non-use of Linux. The sooner you make this change the sooner you will see your life turn around. I wish you luck in the next few weeks and months.

Trollaxor