A Day in the Life of Jamie McCarthy

06:00: Alarm goes off, Jamie slaps the sleep button.

10:00: Jamie finally wakes up and starts making breakfast: 16 Reese's peanut butter cups, 1 gal. 2% milk, Big Grab Fritos, four cold hot dogs, and coffee.

10:45: Time for email! Jamie opens Outlook Express 6 (Jamie uses Windows!? Yes, the truth hurts, folks.) 30 emails from known trolls bitching about moderation bugs and abuses, 20 additional emails from trolls incognito regarding Slashdot censhorship, and five emails from legitimate Slashdot readers regarding bug fixes and code patches.

11:15: Lunchtime! Jamie has a triple-decker balogna sandwich and Nacho Cheesier! Doritos. Washes it down with Nestle Quik! Strawberry milk. Finishes it off with a healthy swig of Pepto-Bismol and a few Tums.

11:45: Jamie opens Emacs and starts coding in Perl: SLASH has a lot of bugs to fix, thanks to Taco. Jamie silently curses Taco under his breath. Feels underappreciated, overworked, underpaid — oh wait, Open Source software unemploys programmers. Jamie wants to bitch but knows he can't.

11:47: Quits Emacs, opens Pico. Can't handle that complex shit anymore.

12:10: Calls ex-girlfriend, cries into phone for 10 minutes before realizing she'd hung up on him seven minutes ago. Questions his manhood. His manhood does not respond. Sad little knob, it's gone neglected for years.

12:30: Shower time! Heads down to the local truckstop, grabs a ticket for a restroom, and hopes the door locks. In the middle of his shower he is accosted by the janitor (again). He supposes the door didn't lock. Screams go unheard and the janitor walks away satisfied. Jamie cries in the corner of the shower stall for a a while before running home, still crying.

13:00: Back in front of his Pentium II system running Linux, Jamie masturbates while thinking of being raped by the truckstop's janitor in the shower. Though terrified at the time, Jamie feels exhilerated by it in general. Jamie fingers his asshole to bring himself to orgasm.

13:01: Conference call with Rob CmdrTaco Malda, Eric Raymond, and Michael. How do we silence the trolls? Jamie suggests deleting comments and accounts regularly. Eric and Taco, however, know this would be bad for business — they own stock in the company! Jamie is frustrated and hangs up on the call.

13:30: Time for more food. Even though Jamie eats enough for three geeks, he has a rare disorder that increases his metabolism. Jamie is 6'2" but only weighs 120lbs. Jamie is eating pickles, celery with peanut butter, cold baked sweet potatoes, and dog food. Jamie is too hungry not to eat whatever is in sight.

14:00: Returning to Pico, Jamie begins working on tweaks to the moderation system, purposefully coding features so the likes of Mighty-Troll, Trollaxor, and the Turd Report will be silenced for being funny and creative. Jamie can almost see their emails, bitching about being banned.

15:45: Jamie begins getting itchy. The rash is coming back, so Jamie strips out of his clothes and sits naked. Nearby plants in his condo wilt and die, milk curdles, and Linx begins core-dumping. Jamie is ashamed. He cries as Linux reboots and wishes the rash would leave his pale, skinny, feminine body.

16:30: Jamie declares quittin' time now as he's had a very stressful day. He needs some time alone so he works on the Holocaust project.

17:45: Jamie gets the mail. New Playgirl. Next few hours blown.

21:00: Raw, chafed, and sore, Jamie passes out on the couch naked after a marathon session with the new Playgirl.

23:50: In a zombie-like trance, Jamie stumbles off to bed and falls back asleep, preparing to do it all again tomorrow.