The Terrible Truth About Kansas City

Holy shit! I couldn't wait to get into work today so I could share my latest breakthrough in busting the Kansas City Gay Faggot Sex Empire!!!

As I was driving to work, I passed a road right inside of Kansas City limits! The road had a name: RAINBOW BOULEVARD!!! I consider this incontrovertible proof that Kansas City was not founded on American principles of freedom and liberty but on the turgid platform of depraved homosexual lust and faggotry.

Let's linguistically examine what the cockfiends and perverts had in mind when they engineered this city.

As if Rainbow Boulevard isn't obvious enough already, a deeper look reveals to us a message concerning homosexual recruitment. Rave! I do urban blow! entices young hairless boys to come to raves, roll on Ecstasy, and administer blowjobs to the urban dance folk while Wham and Culture Club dance remixes pump at a frantic rate.

Another oft-used street in downtown Kansas City is Broadway. The street takes its name from the singing and dancing circuit that is commonly associated with fags who aspire to “make it big” (a reference to hardened penises) performing the arts and letting their souls dance free on stage in front of millions. Quite simply, Broadway is a thinly veiled anagram for boy reward: this street attracts members of the boy-slave trade, who kidnap and sell young men into the gay faggot sex trade on Butt Hill.

The War Memorial, as in Kansas City's giant phallic symbol and the watchtower of the faggot prostitutes of Butt Hill, unveils even more sinister plans crafted by the city's civil engineers. Aim lower, ram! is a subliminal message which promotes the correct placement of the penis in the anus, or “ass-cunt,” of another male! Likewise, it doesn't take a genius to see the phrase amoral, we rim!, which seems to express the fact that those who give rimjobs in Kansas City (i.e., most everyone) are proud of their existence without morals. And we can't forget rim alarm woe, which is what happens when a lusty boy-twink licks clean an HIV+ man-bear's asshole. This has to be some kind of sick public service announcement emanating from the War Memorial!

Moving on, we come to Kansas City itself. I almost wanted to cry after unearthing the hidden meanings of this seemingly innocuous city name. The first reveals what is surely the root of Kansas City's homosexuality: Satanic sky. Only the Dark Father, casting his cloud of disease and Hellfire, could cause a city to be as morally repugnant and cock-lusting as Kansas City. Sodom, watch out! The cum flows like water here, and makes even San Francisco look like a good, Christian vacation spot.

Kansas City also translates into a pair of filthy sexual phrases. A stinky sac describes what most men in Kansas City think about all day and would like to have tickling their chins at any given moment, while tick any ass is so obvious it hurts to think no one's spotted this anal anagram for the city's name before now. Thank god I am on the case.

Well, my homosexual boss is breathing down my neck (almost literally) so I'd better get going. I don't want detected by the KC faggots while I'm trying to bust their cum ring. I plan on camping out on Butt Hill to infiltrate their depraved, underground male-sex trade. Hopefully I'll make it out and write of my findings.