New Macs in ’99

The usual suspects have once again spilled it all. The beans in question this time are about new hardware. New lines, new motherboards and new ports are in line for ’99. Read on.

The first step in Apple's plans is to gradually expand their product lines, still conforming to the Consumer and Pro models, one line at a time. The bMac, or business Mac, as reported by Reality, is one such model. The P1, or Consumer Portable, is yet another. But at least two new lines or models are due by the end of the century: The pMac and the pMac (a completely different model) are the future of the Macintosh.

The first of these models is called the pMac, or PC Macintosh. This model will be the ultimate in PC compatibility on the Mac side: 500 MHz Pentium III, 64 MB 7ns RAM and an Ultra-2 SCSI controller all on a 12" PCI card. But it doesn't stop there. To keep costs in the sub-$1,000 range, Apple is excluding the G3 processor and RAM on the UMA-2 motherboard. In fact, say goodbye to the Mac OS ROM or Open Firmware: they are both replaced by standard PC BIOS, which supports direct booting into the PC environment. Priced at $1,500, you have a Mac millions will want.

The other model is also called the pMac, this time short for Pervert Macintosh. In a recent survey, c|net found that nearly 99.4% of all data transmitted over the internet is porn. Apple has torn the wax out of its ears and listened: this machine is built from the ground up with porn in mind. 1000BaseT Ethernet, 69 GB Ultra2 SCSI RAID array, 23" CRT display (capable of 32-bit color at 1280 x 960 resolution) and a new Vagina Port are the goodies on the hardware side. The software side shines as well: a pre-registered Hotline Client (rumored to have ml.sextracked.org as the default tracker), pre-registered QuickTime 4.1.2 and Mac OS(e)X. Now what pedophile could resist such a machine? He won't, if he has $1,800 in his pocket. Packed tight and priced right, this model will solidify Apple's hold over the Internet.

Update: The Vagina Port rumored to ship with the pMac in ’99 (no, the other pMac) will supposedly ship with driver version 1.5 instead of 1.1. What this means to the consumer is that the Vagina Port now supports multiple orgasms and lubrication by oil as well as K-Y Jelly.